Hungry

Hunger is a sign of health. If you’ve ever been sick, you know what it feels like to not be able to stand the sight of food. One of the first things a doctor asks us when we are sick is, “How’s your appetite?”.  And when our health begins to return, a sure sign we are getting better is the return of our desire to eat.

Now I read my Bible every day and I go to church every Sunday (hard to skip when your husband is the pastor lol) and I’m generally receptive and interested in spiritual things as a rule. But not too long ago I noticed that my spiritual growth had pretty much tanked. And the scary thing is it didn’t really bother me all that much. I was kind of content. Well, kind of… When you’ve tasted and you’ve seen, there’s always that gnawing thing in the back of your mind whispering to you, “you’re settling for less. You know there is more than this.” But sometimes life just gets heavy and its all you can do to keep afloat, much less do any long distance swimming.

But God is good, and He is gentle. Those nudges and reminders that ‘there is more’ are most definitely from Him. And it is because, even though I may be content with the status quo, He’s not. He wants a deeper intimacy with me. He is always the initiator in this relationship. Initially when this thing with me and God started, I didn’t ‘find God’ as if He was hiding and I was searching under every rock and bush. The truth is, He found me. And then I responded to Him. Even when I ran from Him, He patiently pursued. And that hasn’t stopped. He still pursues and I respond. Or sometimes I don't. But that’s how it works even though it may seem like I’m the one after Him. Even when I do pursue Him, He still was the one who stirred my heart in the first place, to come after Him.

At first, the gentle reminder that, 'this isn’t all there is but there is more’, passed through my consciousness, pausing there briefly. Then as I responded- a little, and then a little more- it gained a footing. And then as it built, the thought began to gain momentum in my heart. And now it has taken hold of me to where I sat in front of the computer screen yesterday for 15 hours straight, transfixed, watching the Azusa Now conference in Los Angeles on the 110 year anniversary of the Azusa Street Revival, worshipping and interceding for God to do it again in our time. Not saying that those who didn't watch aren't hungry, but I just know where I was. And I know that I wouldn’t have been interested in sitting and watching that for 30 minutes a few months ago. So something has taken root in me. And it's up to me to fan the flame and to not let the fire die down again.

I think most of us at some point in our childhood were told, “Don’t eat that now, it’ll ruin your appetite. Supper is almost ready.” How is our appetite ruined? In the natural it is simply from filling our bellies with other things to where there is no room or desire for anything more. I’m not implying that everything in this life, other than reading your Bible or praying or worshipping, is evil. Rather, I think it is a matter of the heart. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”. (Luke 12:34) When our heart is running after things that are of lesser value, it spoils our appetite for that which is greater. It doesn’t have to be running after something bad, but is it running after the best? It's about seeking treasure. What is our greatest treasure? What is our heart running the hardest after?

One of my very favorite scriptures that I have gone back to so many times in my life, because it anchors me and kind of boils it all down for me is: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And ALL THESE THINGS shall be added unto you.” (Matt. 6:33). My KJV (Kayla Johnson version) ;) paraphrase is this: “Make God your greatest priority, your greatest love and desire and from there, everything else will fall into it’s rightful place of importance.” Or to say it another way, “Instead of focusing on finding the answer to life’s problems, find God. And when you find Him, you find your answer; Your problem wont really matter that much anymore.” Like the lyrics to that old song,

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Look full in His wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim.

In the light of His glory and grace.”

So all that to say this: I’m hungry again. And I’m praying to be MORE hungry. Because you will pursue what you are hungry for. I don’t want to find Him and then to stop pursuing. In a healthy marriage relationship, you keep pursuing intimacy. You don't say, "that's enough" and let it stagnate. I don’t want to go back to boredom and disinterest or casual Christianity. When I read church history about men and women of God like- DL Moody, Smith Wigglesworth, William J Seymour and Maria Woodworth-Etter (to name a few) who God used to spark revival in their generation; men and women just like us, who really knew God, who encountered Him, who were changed, and in the process touched nations and made history for the kingdom of God- I get hungry. Why not again? Why not today? Why not this generation? Why not me? Why not you? 

So examine yourself. Are you spiritually healthy? How's your appetite?

Let us not be satisfied with where we are. We can never have too much of God. There is always more to discover about Him, more to experience in Him, more of me for Him to fill. If you are finding yourself, like I did, content with where you are, not hungry for more, ask Him to increase your hunger for Him. He will certainly do it. Actually it’s His idea in the first place.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled”. Matt. 5:6

Let’s not ruin our appetite. Supper is almost ready.

There. Is. More!

Post Away!

In case you've read my blog before and this seems vaguely familiar, some of this is excerpted from an old post, but the majority of it is new. So with that confession and disclosure, read away! :D

I was raised in a different era. It was a time when, for the most part, certain things weren’t talked about and often things that should have been discussed were swept under the rug. But as with most things, when something swings to one extreme we can over-compensate by swinging too far to the opposite extreme.  Either way it remains out of balance. And today, conversely this generation is being raised in an uncensored culture where nothing much is left to the imagination. Today’s social media, reality entertainment and the information age are shaping this generation in such a way that discretion, boundaries and privacy are becoming a thing of the past.

So let’s talk a minute particularly about social media. Before I am branded a hypocrite (since I'm obviously using it to post this) let me say right now that I'm not of the opinion that social media is bad. I use it and as with anything, when handled with wisdom and self-control, it can be a very useful and enjoyable tool. But I'm finding that all too often, the easy access to being heard by an opinionated audience can prove to be too big a temptation for many. Any random thought or opinion that occurs to us can be instantly shared seconds after it arrives in our brain. We can get immediate feedback and be encouraged or discouraged, branded a heretic or a hero, persuaded and influenced, and heading down a particular path before we’ve fully processed, tested or filtered the original thought. Before social media, when we got annoyed or had a strong opposing opinion, we had time to think about it, to process it and to settle our emotions before we had the opportunity to speak about it. And often, with time to cool off, to get more information and to think it through, we might then conclude it wasn't something that needed to be shared at that time, or maybe at all. But we live in a different world now. On social media, our unfiltered, unrestrained sharing requires no discipline or forethought and tender hearts and uncensored thoughts are exposed to the temperamental masses for immediate approval or rejection. Not to mention, when the day comes (and trust me, it will) that we regret the opinion, the tirade or escapade we posted on social media, it will be forever on the internet to be viewed by our future employers, co-workers, congregations, friends, spouses and children. All I can say is that God was VERY merciful to delay the advent of social media until the days when I was a responsible adult. (Let all of us pause for a moment and picture our youthful shenanigans scrolling down a Facebook newsfeed and send up a heartfelt "thank you" to heaven... Whew!). Enough said. But suffice it to say, the ship of anonymity has long since sailed.

I’ve seen things posted on social media that really touched me, inspired me, made me laugh, or was exactly what I needed at that moment. But I have never, EVER responded positively, felt convicted or changed my opinion by an insulting, shaming, angry post or judgmental rant. Have you? Honestly? 

I admit that I too have succumbed to this culture of over-exposure and have shared things that I shouldn't have. I too have been guilty of sharing strong opinions in a way that didn't respect the individuals who believed differently. We all have done it. And to be fair, there IS a time to speak. There's a time to testify and to proclaim. But when we are angry or frustrated, or when our hearts are in that fragile in-between place, before our emotions have settled and our heart has found its way home, there first needs to be a journey into the secret place where God’s perspective and heart are sought. It's wisdom to process our thoughts through His word and Spirit and to get His perspective before we unveil them raw to the world. It's wisdom to get His heart for the individuals we disagree with before we blast them with our sweeping, impersonal judgments.

Some things are private and just not appropriate to be shared. Some things are not safe to be shared except with certain trustworthy people. Some things are just not ready to be shared until they've had the time to marinate and to be tested. Some things aren’t respectful to be shared with an audience of people of differing opinions and beliefs, who have those opinions for reasons we don’t know or may not understand.

So let us all grow up in this. (Preaching to the choir here). Before we pull the trigger and post a strong opinion or gripe or our personal stuff on social media, can we stop, take a deep breath and look within for a minute, and do these things first:

1. Ask ourselves WHY we want to post in the first place. 
What do we really hope to accomplish? What is our real motive? Let's be real honest with ourselves here. Is it possibly to get a pat on the back by those who agree with us? To get recognition and approval for our bold, articulate stand? Or is it possibly a passive/aggressive attempt at taking a jab at those we disagree with? I admit, I've been guilty on both counts. Or could it just be that we are ticked off and want to vent? (Been there, done that too) The truth is, it doesn't take much courage to be confrontational when we are in control of the argument, reclining with our laptop in front of us,  formulating and editing our thoughts with our finger on the delete button if we dislike a rebuttal, than in person where we might have to think on our feet. Honestly, some of the things I see posted, if said to the face, would probably invite a punch to the jaw. BUT, if the motives are clear , then let's post away.

2. And let us ask ourselves WHO we are posting to. 
Who actually WILL see our stuff? Remember there will be people of all ages (are there children in our friends' list?), people of different opinions, beliefs, political leanings and walks of life. Could what we post possibly be perceived as judgmental, be hurtful, be misunderstood or considered disrespectful by them? If the answer is no, then let's post away.

3. And finally, let us ask ourselves WHAT's the point.
Is it beneficial?  Is it helpful? Is it really that important? Will it unite instead of dividing?  Is it even necessary?  If the answer is yes. Then please let's post away.

To sum these all up: Is our motive love?  If the answer is YES then please, post away!

After all Love is really what it’s all about isn’t it?

Recently, I heard a big name pastor of a large church asked to make a statement about a controversial issue. His response really riled up some people in the church and there may be more to the story than I know, but to be honest, I didn't hate what he said. I don’t have the exact quote so I’m winging it here, but when pressured to make a statement on the issue he refused to be pigeon holed and he basically said that he did not want to make a broad, sweeping, impersonal, public statement but rather he preferred to have personal conversations about it with individuals. And I have to respect that. Making a statement is easy and it's impersonal. It's saying- I've planted my flag here and that's that. This is my stand. I'm not open to hearing yours. Now deal with it.
But investing in relationships, listening to hearts, even those we disagree with, asking and answering questions, respecting others perspectives and lovingly explaining ours, takes time and is costly. But people are kind of a big deal to God and way more valuable to Him than any 'stand' we may take. I'm not saying we should never take a stand. But if love isn't involved, we'd best shut our mouths, (or in this case, sit on our hands).

People vs Our Stance. I think I know which one matters the most to God.

Now...please post away  :D.

The Impact of One (updated repost)

Keith and I with Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb (Andy)

I wrote this about three years ago and I felt the need to repost it today. With a few updates and minor edits, it remains true to the original. So here it is once again. Enjoy! :)

Approximately thirty(ish) years ago, Keith and I, newly married and backslidden as can be, landed in Hawaii to begin his three year tour of duty with the Navy. For this immature girl who had hardly ever been out of the South, it was a dream come true. I had always wanted to travel and Hawaii was definitely on my bucket list.

So here we were, on the other side of the world from home. But as God would have it, He had a divine connection planned for us. As it turned out, Keith’s uncle, Andrew Herbert Johnson (Uncle Herb to us), who was a Navy chaplain, Commander and former fighter pilot and his wife, Aunt Bobbie, were also stationed there the exact same time as we were. And this ‘coincidence’ changed the course of our lives forever.

Keith and I had been raised in church and when we were young we had both made a ‘profession of faith’. But as adults, we weren’t living it. Actually most of the Christians we had known hadn’t seemed to be very happy and there wasn’t a whole lot of ‘Life’ in their Christianity to attract us. So we had sort of unconsciously resolved to have as much fun as we could while we were young and we figured that we’d settle down and act responsibly when we were older.

Then we met Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb. There was something different about them. At the time, I was 21 years old and Aunt Bobbie was 50-something yet I looked for every opportunity to be around her. I know I must have gotten on her nerves sometimes tagging along but if I did she never once showed it. She just loved me, with my short skirts and all. She just accepted me as I was. She spent time with me. She invited me along shopping with her. She welcomed us into her home every Sunday and any time in between. She cooked delicious meals for us. (Her rolls themselves were reason enough to keep coming back!) But she spent hours of time with me. Just letting me hang out with her. She and Uncle Herb were there for us. They made us feel like we mattered.

It wasn’t so much of what she said, yes she would answer my many questions, but it was mostly just what she lived. She and Uncle Herb just lived love. They reached out to some of the most unlovable people on the base and invited them into their home. I would sometimes feel jealous at not having them all to myself. But it just flowed out of them. And when Aunt Bobbie or Uncle Herb prayed, we felt something we’d never felt before. We couldn’t quite put our finger on it at the time, but for some reason we were drawn to them. We just felt Good when we were with them. A hunger began growing in my heart. I had seen LIFE, and I wanted it too. They weren’t just Christians in word, they had someONE living in them. I knew this because I felt Him every time I was with them. And I wanted what they had. For the first time in my life I realized, there was more. Christianity as I’d experienced it wasn’t all there was. Jesus was really real. He was current. He wasn’t boring. He was fun. But nobody TOLD me this, I just KNEW it, because I knew Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb.

Now Aunt Bobbie wasn’t perfect. But she was real. And what a sense of humor she had! She would sometimes get tickled in church and couldn’t stop giggling. This was my kind of lady! She had fun and joy just bubbled out of her. Almost more than anything, this intrigued me. I guess I had thought Christians were dour, boring old sourpusses. But Aunt Bobbie was a hoot! That, I could relate to!

She and Uncle Herb invested in me and Keith. They didn’t preach at us, they just loved us and lived an authentic life, full of LIFE in front of us. We didn’t change right away. A lot of what was sown into our lives at that time didn't  bear fruit for years. Actually it was so gradual that I don’t know if they were even aware of the impact they were making then. But something was definitely taking root in us. And it literally changed the course of our lives.

Now years later, we have raised four children and our family has grown to include a son-in-law, daughter-in-law and two grandsons. I am very proud of my family. I look at my husband and children and I am so grateful. Actually that doesn’t even come close to expressing how I feel. I am BEYOND grateful if there is such a thing. We’ve had people say how much they admire our family and they ask us what we’ve done. And I find that astounding. I really do. I’m not bragging, it’s just one of those things that happens repeatedly and I’m always left, like Mary, amazed and pondering these things in my heart. Because I honestly didn’t have a clue what I was doing 27 years ago when I became a mom. And 27 years later its still a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants operation. I guess all I had was an intense desire- stronger than anything I’d ever felt before holding my firstborn in my arms- to do this thing right. And a revelation that I didn’t have what it took to do it. But I did have a God who did. There are no formulas and I don’t understand it, but God has blessed our family.

But one thing I do know- the blessing on our family today can be traced back approximately 30 years ago to a little speck of an island in the vast Pacific Ocean. The fact that my children are serving God today and impacting the Kingdom can be traced back to the influence of one simple couple, who saw value in two disillusioned, immature twenty-somethings and who chose to sow time, love and life into us. I will be forever grateful to them for the harvest we now enjoy. As I look into the faces of my precious grandsons, knowing how their parents will raise them to know the Lord, all because THEY know the Lord, I just want to weep with gratitude and to somehow repay them for what they gave us. But I know one day, that their reward will be handed to them by the Lord Himself and it will be eternal.

So never under-estimate the value of investing into one person's life. You may not see the fruit immediately. But it could have eternal and generational impact. Our family is proof of that. My children can thank Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb (and God of course ;) that they know Jesus. One life impacting generations and the Kingdom of God.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Dealing

 I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been busy moving, editing, house hunting, buying, unpacking but mostly dealing. Don’t worry- I'm not peddling narcotics now- it’s just my sister’s and my term for when we have an issue we are turning over and analyzing and writing about it in our notebook, talking to God about it and then discussing it in excruciating detail and then analyzing it some more. That’s dealing. Lots of that has been going on in my life of late. 

One of the things I’ve dealt with the last year is the issue of forgiveness. I used to be an expert on the topic of forgiveness. I’ve been known to dispense great advice on forgiveness. I could have given speeches and could have pontificated eloquently on the subject (if anyone would have asked me to). I could have written a best seller about it. I've touched on it from time to time in my blog. And all of my advice and points and chapters would have been technically correct. But life has a way of humbling you and showing you how little you really do know. So if you were expecting to read here of my great spiritual victory on the matter, I apologize but I have to keep it real. The truth is- unforgiveness has kicked my butt this year.

I guess it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written much. I didn't feel that I could share anything of value here with this unresolved issue still hanging around my neck. Thankfully the Lord doesn't think like I do. As my son Max eloquently put it the other day, we need to approach God more like a Father and less like a boss. He's a good Daddy who doesn't shame or disqualify His children when they are broken, failing and dealing with issues.

And I've definitely been dealing with issues. Boy have I been dealing! I've gone over it in my mind a trillion times and then have ‘given’ it to the Lord. I've tried to make that more real by writing down the offense and then burning it up. In the past this worked. Not this time. For the record: This still is a good exercise and I highly recommend it if you’re stuck in unforgiveness. But I guess it all boils down to the fact that I've been reluctant to let it go. Even as my offenses went up in flames, my heart clung to them.

So am I now triumphant and that’s why I’m writing this to show you how to be triumphant too? No not really. For once I’m actually blogging still shy of the victory line. But I HAVE seen a glimmer of light at the end of this long dark tunnel I've been in. Just a glimmer mind you, but the tiniest spark in the darkest tunnel is most welcomed. 

Okay, we probably all know this passage of scripture I’m about to share and it’s nothing new but please read it anyway. Don’t do like I do when someone posts a long scripture (especially a familiar one) and I don't read it at all skim it. Do as I say, not as I do. Read this scripture. Yes that’s right… the whole thing.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew 18:21-35

So, what’s the glimmer of light I saw in this scripture I've read dozens of times?

It’s simply this: I need a fresh revelation that I've sinned much greater than I've been sinned against, and I've been forgiven of much more than I need to forgive. Of course we all know that in theory and I’m not trying to get into a “I’m a worm and not a man” type dialogue, but instead, what I’m really seeing here is the connection between the Unmerciful Servant’s inability to forgive the much smaller debt owed to him to his not recognizing the enormity of his own debt nor his appreciation of the magnificence of it being cancelled. Have I been a Christian so long that I've lost the wonder of the unfathomable, life-changing truth that God has completely cancelled my debt? That He not only cancelled it, He paid for it with His own life. He suffered and died in order to free me, so I could live; He endured what I deserved so I’d get what He deserved. Before I was repentant, before I received Him, before I was sorry, He endured the Cross. For me.

How could such a wondrous happening not be ever before me, always in my thoughts? How could someone else’s debt owed to me become more costly in my mind than mine was to Him? I don’t know how we forget. But we do. Well yea I do know. It happens when our eyes get off of Him and onto ourselves. Sounds pat but it’s no less true. At least it’s true for me.

So where does this leave me? Still dealing, yes. But dealing in a different direction. No longer looking at myself and asking ‘How can I possibly forgive,’ to looking to Him and instead asking ‘Help me to see the enormity of the debt I owed, and to appreciate that You paid for it all.”

I deserved death yet He gave me life. Mercy triumphs over judgment. His for me and mine for others. Every time.

"Forgive us our debts, as we forgive those who sin against us." Matthew 6:12

So back to dealing…

Facebook Status on Steroids

This blog post started off as a Facebook status and it took on a life of it’s own. So I decided to make it a blog post. I was due for one anyway. Not sure if it’s my best one but it definitely convicted the heck out of me. So here goes:

I think sometimes when God is working in our lives and revealing truth to us, our need for the affirmation of others will cause us to run from the secret place to share it with the world before it’s fully formed. Kind of like picking fruit before it’s ripened. The seed that was planted, springs up as a tender shoot and we pull it out and admire it and pass it around prematurely. But it never reaches it’s full potential. It never has a chance to develop, to mature in the secret place where no one sees it but it’s Creator. The anchoring roots of intimacy that are developed over time in that lonely, hidden place are bypassed for instant gratification. It may nourish a few, but it’s far-reaching potential is never realized. It is consumed in it’s infancy so it’s impact is limited. 

I’m not saying that sharing our revelations is wrong, don’t misunderstand. It's certainly valuable and usually beneficial. But our ‘public’ relationship with God should be just the tip of the iceberg. What’s below the surface, what is hidden from view, what is intimate and personal, should make up the bulk of it. If what is seen is larger than what is unseen, then we're out of balance. Somewhere down the line, we lost our first love and replaced it with a cheap substitute-the fleeting praise of man.

What is unseen will eventually impact what is seen.

It sort of reminds me of these reality shows. Where a film crew comes in and films a couple and they live a form of their lives for a watching world's entertainment. But sadly, all too often these very public relationships collapse when the cameras shut off.  What will remain when there's no more audience? Is it real enough to endure?

These are questions nobody can answer but us. I'm asking them to myself even as I write it in this public forum. I'm preaching to the choir here. I've been guilty of bounding away from the secret place before the Lord has had a chance to finish planting the seed deep within my soul and have shared with the world what I've yet to partake of myself. Yuck.

The bottom line is this: Relationships are eternal. Our ministry will pass away. What people think of us won’t matter one bit on that day. We'll stand before Him alone without the crowds and all that will matter is this: Did I really know Him for myself? Did He know me?

Keith and I aren't hesitant to express our appreciation for one another publicly or to share with others what we've learned from 30+ years of marriage. But who we are in public isn't all there is to us. The core of our relationship is derived in private, away from prying eyes. What the world sees of us is the result of that. It'd be pretty ridiculous if in our relationship, we were dependent on others' approval and opinions or if we needed a mediator in order to hear from or to understand one another. So why do we think it's that way with the Lord? After all, we were made for relationship because He made us like Himself. It was all His idea. And all of ministry, all other relationships, all fruit, flow organically from that secret spring of intimacy. Personal relationship is the source and it is also the goal. 

And once again, I'm back to my all-time favorite verse which I could quote in a coma and which causes my children to roll their eyes and say, "We know Mom. We know." ;)

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness (relationship). And all these things shall be added unto you.”
I’ll close with this pithy thought I had not long ago. It is this:
'Don't pursue your purpose. Don't pursue your destiny. Don't pursue your ministry. Don't pursue your dreams. But rather, pursue God. And on that path of pursuing Him, you will run into your purpose, you will run into your destiny, you will run into your ministry and you will run into your dreams.'

Seek first...the secret place. Seek first... Relationship. Seek first... Him!
And all these other things, will naturally fall into place.
The End. 

(Can you imagine if this had truly been a Facebook status? Jeez!)

Storms

 I’m convinced that probably 95% of our struggles originate from a lack of trusting God. Of course I cannot prove this and all I can go on is my own life experience and what I’ve observed from people I have encountered.  But this seems to be the common thread and I’m pretty certain that I’m right about this.

You’d think after a lifetime of seeing God provide, protect, touch, bless and guide my life that I’d trust Him. But it’s when the storms hit that you really find out what your faith is made of.  We’ve all heard it said that when you go through hard times you find out who your real friends are. Well there’s just nothing that tests a relationship like trouble. There was one particular time when my relationship with God was tested like never before when I walked through a storm that pulled the rug out from under me and left me hurt and angry for a long, long time. I did everything I knew to do and that had worked before- forgive, seek God, repent, pray, fast, repeat… But nothing got better and for the first time ever, I feared for my faith and God didn’t seem to be helping the situation with His silence and seeming distance. I was confused and depressed. I felt my heart growing away but God didn’t seem to be doing one thing to stop it.  I wrote this to Him one day:

So what's wrong God? It must be with me. But I'm trying. It's not like I don’t care. I really want to be close to You. Since You're invisible I can't exactly rely on my natural senses to see, hear and touch You. I have to rely on my spirit to see and hear You. So is my spirit shut down? Has it been so damaged by all this that it's just gone into hibernation? Is my body just going through the motions of Christianity while my spirit takes a break and tries to heal? I just don’t know.

I just didn’t know. I realize not everyone will relate to this or see the significance of my doubt; especially if you weren’t raised in church or are new to the whole Christianity thing . But from one who was in church as soon as my mom was released from the maternity ward, I can say-I know this stuff.  Or so I thought. I’ve predominantly and sincerely done the Christian thing the majority of my life except for a few years in my teens when I backslid. And when I did finally return to God, I set my face towards Him and I never looked back. That was almost 30 years ago.  Life hasn’t been easy, don’t get me wrong. We’ve had our share of struggles and failures. But I can honestly say, I’ve not once doubted that I’d stick it out- until this particular storm.

It’s funny the things that break each of us; the particular trigger-point that will, in one moment, set in motion the destruction of the fortress within that took a lifetime to build. What might be the undoing of me probably wouldn’t faze you and vice versa. But this particular trial did a number on me. I didn’t know what I could trust anymore. Because for the first time, the stuff I’d always known didn’t seem to be working.

Now if I’d been counseling someone in my situation I know I would have asked them- “Have you forgiven? Are you spending time with the Lord? Have you thought about fasting? Are you in the Word? Are you spending time in praise and worship?” And those are all very good questions and good counsel. I’d have probably prayed with them and more than likely I would have told them to hang in there (and would have undoubtedly quoted-“having done all, stand!”). I’d have exhorted them to trust, reassured them of God’s love, and I would have shared that discouragement is one of the enemy’s biggest weapons. I’d have told them to guard their minds and to speak words of life. Again- these are all the truth.  (See I told you. I know this stuff. )

But not gonna lie- if someone had tried that with me then, I’d have probably punched them in the throat. I could have written a book I knew this stuff so well- yet there I was, knowing all that, and still depressed and disillusioned.

But it’s here I discovered something I don’t think I could have learned any other way- for truth to do us any good, sometimes we have to walk through the fire to get it. It can’t be second-hand information, even handed down from trusted people. It has to be our own or it has no real power for us. I’m not suggesting that we stop speaking truth to others (for fear of being throat punched) or from listening to truth when we'd rather roll our eyes. For 'one sows, one waters but only God gives the increase'. Even a half-hearted seed can change a life…But there are just some things that can only be learned through experience; especially if you’ve heard it all before.

During this storm I kept praying, I kept fasting, I kept forgiving and I kept reading the word.  One day when I was having a cosmic meltdown at the kitchen table my husband spoke words that finally penetrated my “heard it all” heart. It was simple but he said- “Honey, this is a trial. The Bible talked about this. Right now you are like that tree on the riverbank the Bible talks about. It’s a drought and you aren’t getting water in the usual way. Your roots are having to go deep to find the water.  You may not feel very spiritual or close to God right now but you haven’t left and neither has He. You’re still seeking Him. You haven’t quit. Not quitting IS winning. It won’t always be like this. Its building strength.” And I promise I didn’t punch him. I guess I was ready to hear it then. Maybe, just maybe during all those dry boring prayer times God HAD heard me. Maybe just maybe, He would bring good from this storm I was in. Now I don’t for a second think God created the storm. Never once in the Bible do you hear Jesus causing a storm. Rather, He always quieted the storms He encountered. But He CAN and He DOES bring good out of the worst things. Just as storms can test relationships, I found that they can also strengthen them.

There came a moment where the Lord clearly showed me that I had a trust issue. I needed to put it all into His hands and to let it go. (Cue the Frozen soundtrack). Sounds like an anticlimactic revelation but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m used to fixing things and I couldn’t fix this.  There was a moment when that reality sunk in and I’d never felt more helpless. But then the revelation came that helpless isn’t hopeless. Helpless is saying- I cannot help this situation. I cannot even help myself. I have to let it go. I had to trust God to handle what I could not control. Like what was I thinking anyway? That I could do a better job than Him? As easy as it may sound, really letting go and putting it into His hands was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.

I found that forgiveness also involved trust- trusting that God had a plan and nothing or no one was going to thwart that. I’m reminded of Joseph in the Bible. His brothers betrayed him and tried to remove him from his place of favor and influence and in their efforts to harm him and his destiny they actually placed him in a position to be of much greater influence than even Joseph himself could have imagined. We know the end of the story. But when Joseph was in the middle of this trial, he didn't. Yet while in prison, during his storm, he trusted that God still was in control and God had his future in His hands and that He alone was responsible for bringing it to pass. His brothers couldn’t stop God’s plan. Nothing could stand in God’s way. So when the time came Joseph was able to forgive them. They hadn’t harmed him, they had actually helped him. Forgiveness is saying, on the unresolved side of the story, 'God they did me wrong, and it looks like they ruined everything, but I am trusting You to not only bring me through this but to still fulfill Your promise in a greater way because of it. ' Only trust can say something like that.

Its an obvious fact that if we don’t stop but keep going, at some point we won’t be where we were but we’ll end up somewhere else. At the risk of sounding formulaic (that really is a word. Look it up) I kept seeking, kept asking, sometimes just going through the motions and kept at it until I walked myself out of the valley I was in.

And here’s the other side of the coin of this tale- Just as I believe probably 95% of our problems come through not trusting God  (disclaimer: these percentages are not scientifically verified). I also believe that the solution to 95% of our problems is a revelation encounter with the love of God.  Think about it- if we know God loves us… okay lets stop a moment…. God… GOD…. The Uncreated One who created uh me and uh this earth and uh the universe etc etc LOVES me. Loves ME! Can we pause and take that in for a moment? Can you not see how the revelation of that should make us the most secure people in the entire universe? And since most issues we face involve things like insecurity, doubt, confusion, depression, fear and shame… would any of that remain if we truly trusted God? How can we not trust someone who loves us? Loves us so much to send His only Son who He really really likes a whole lot to die in our place? No matter how awesome I think you are, I sure wouldn’t give up any of my children for you. Sorry. And you wouldn’t for me either. Yet I would lay down my life for my children. Why? Because I love them more than anything. More than my own life. And that’s what God did. I don’t understand all the reasons behind why Jesus had to die but I do know that it means He loves us a lot. Wow. That’s a whole heck of a lotta love. And the revelation of that life-changing love is the solution to everything.

Now there have been seasons where God was as close as my thoughts and I felt His presence and pleasure all day long. But just like in the natural, weather patterns change and sometimes storms come. It doesn’t mean God sent them our way. But they do come. It’s inevitable. God DOES NOT change but the storms we go through can alter the landscape in us. Like after a tornado passes through an area we may find that the terrain has become unrecognizable. The old familiar paths have been washed away. Some of those paths needed washing away. Others probably didn't and will need to be rebuilt. After this storm passed through me I felt like I found myself at ground zero of my faith. It was bare bones but it was finally real and honest. Nobody looking, no religion, just me and God were left. And now I know that God hadn’t gone anywhere. I guess it's not really faith if we only believe when we see and understand. Its those roots, stretching deeper than they'd ever been required before to go to find that water and becoming more grounded and secure as a result.

Before this storm blew through and dislodged so many things, there was a lot that I thought I knew that I realize now I really didn't know at all. But when the dust settled there remained some things I found that I did know and I DO know.  I know that He is true, I know that He is God and I know that I am His. I still believe His ways are right and best and for my good, even when it doesn't make sense.  And although I may not always follow or understand, I DO know that He loves me and HE IS totally, truly and completely good.  And there will be moments in our lives when that’s the only star left in the sky to navigate from. But I believe that’s enough and in time it will lead us home.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
 Let me walk upon the waters 
 Wherever You would call me 
 Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
 And my faith will be made stronger 
 In the presence of my Savior"
Hillsongs

The Big Deal

 ^{1 Cor. 13:2 "}And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and have all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

Spiritual gifts, doctrine and faith, although necessary and valuable, are deemed meaningless if they are devoid of love. Is it possible to know the Word, be theologically correct but still be terribly wrong because of a lack of love? I think this scripture pretty much answers that question. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
 I wrote this status on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that seemed to really strike a chord with a lot of people.

I really hate religion but I love Jesus. If the Church has hurt you please don't equate that with Jesus. This may surprise you but Jesus isn't religious. As a matter of fact it was the religious that were the most offended by Him. Jesus did proclaim certain principles and truths that the religious also proclaim. But religion tells you that to connect with the Person you have to do the principles. Where Jesus says to come to Him as you are and He will teach you. Jesus values you. Religion doesn't. Religion says "Do better!" And Jesus says "Believe in Me". Religion rejects you if you don't agree with its theology, it's emphasis on a particular truth. Just look at how the church is divided into so many different denominations. But unlike religion, Jesus doesn't reject or forsake. He says 'I AM the Truth'. The law came through Moses. Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. Truth isn't a doctrine. Truth is a Person. That Person is love. And He wants us more than we want Him. He is so beautiful.

There’s a quote I’ve heard for some time that says “People don’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care”. To me, that says a mouthful. In the past, in my pursuit for uncompromising truth I was often guilty of taking a Biblical stand, full of my sense of ‘rightness’ but without a smidge of love or compassion in my heart toward those who believed differently.  Now don’t get me wrong, pursuing truth is wisdom and digging into the Word of God is exactly what we need to do. I’m definitely not advocating a soft Gospel or a departure from the Word. But what I am now seeing is this: If gaining Biblical knowledge doesn’t eventually lead us to greater love but rather causes us to separate ourselves from those who believe differently, then we are missing the greater purpose of truth.

“But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.” I Cor 8:1b
Knowledge itself isn’t bad. We are commanded to walk in truth. But we know our knowledge has become puffed up when someone’s beliefs become more important to us than the person themselves. Ouch.

Jesus definitely preached righteousness but if you look into it, the majority of who He was preaching to was the church people. They are the ones who got Him riled up. But He ate with prostitutes and thieves. As far as we know He didn’t point out their sin to them when He was with them. He could’ve I suppose but it’s not recorded. I imagine there probably were some lively conversations around those tables that we aren't privy to. But what we do know is this: whatever took place there, changed them.

One example of this is when Jesus up and invited Himself over to the notorious crook Zacchaeus’ house for dinner. By the time the meal was over old Zack was a changed man, giving half his wealth to the poor and paying back those he’d stolen from four times over. Notice that Jesus didn’t first ask Z if he was keeping the law or what his stand was on certain issues before dining with him. He didn’t take him aside and tell him all he was doing wrong (and there was plenty He could have pointed out) before entering his home. But rather, the holy King, the Uncreated Creator of the universe just hung out with this flawed man on his own turf and it was that uncondemning love that changed his heart that day.

The words Jesus spoke to the woman caught in the act of adultery are also telling-

“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Notice the order of His words. He didn’t say-“Go and sin no more and THEN I won’t condemn you.” No, His unconditional love came first. Her encounter with His forgiveness, despite her sin, made the second part of that sentence possible for her. ‘Go and sin no more’.  It’s His grace that empowers us to say no to sin. It's His kindness that leads to repentance. No she didn’t deserve it and neither do we. But He gives it to us anyway. It doesn’t make sense. But He is good like that. And He wants us to likewise have grace for people. It doesn’t mean ignoring sin. He wasn’t ignorant of Zacchaeus’ or the adulterous woman’s sin. He was well aware of it.  But their sin didn’t keep Him away.

Our country is awash with immorality. I get that. The church is called to be salt and light. I get that too. I understand the frustration that in a culture where ‘anything goes’, Christians aren’t allowed the same freedoms of expression. But what do we expect? The Bible was pretty clear that it was going to get worse for us as the time draws near for Christ’s return. That’s no big shocker. Do we keep speaking truth, studying and declaring the Word and living morally regardless? Yes we do. But in our stand for truth we must ask ourselves, how much of our ‘stand’ is based on love? Because I can promise you, God doesn’t see issues. God sees people. It's the whole point and a pretty big deal. And I think a big part of the church is missing that point.  I’ve missed it too often myself with my moral outrage, my love of doctrine more than people and some of my past indignant posts on this same blog. But guess what? God doesn’t need me to defend Him. He’s not up there with His feelings hurt hoping His children will stand up for Him. He’s GOD for heaven’s sake. But what He does want from me is love.
   
If I can fathom all mysteries and knowledge... but have not love...I am nothing." 

Jesus said that the world will know we belong to Him by our love and sadly the Church has often gotten a bad rap because too many in the church in their righteous stands have rejected former friends and family members because of their differing doctrinal, personal and political views. That's just not the heart of Christ. Here's a good quote:  "A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends. For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place." 
Author: unknown

Sadly, we Christians are notorious for shooting our wounded. I recently read an article that a former well-known minister who embarrassingly fell into sin wrote. He told about his wanting to commit suicide at the time of his very public fall. He said that it wasn’t his sin that made him want to die, but rather the words spoken to him by his fellow ‘brothers’ in Christ. This breaks my heart.

I'm really not trying to bash the church here in this post. There are so many ministries out there that ARE reaching scores of people through sacrificial love. I think of Heidi Baker's ministry whose main message is love, love love. Scores of children are being rescued and people healed and saved all from a message of love. I've never even heard what Heidi's doctrinal views are on things but I have heard about her love and the people who have been changed by it. Heidi has said, ‎”Yes, God wants you to do signs and wonders. But the love of God manifested through you is what people really need. So you first must see His face. You must become so close to His very heartbeat that you can feel what others feel...It’s not complicated. Just love the one in front of you.” I am so thankful that there are many ministries in the Body of Christ like hers who get it.

Truth is very important and it does need to be accurately taught. But if we can’t speak the truth IN LOVE, we really just need to keep our mouths shut. Been there. Done that. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus and that His mercies are new every morning. Most people recognize where they've screwed up so when truth is delivered without love it leaves them feeling rejected, wounded, shamed and confused. I recently heard a hurting Christian who was judged and then abandoned by other Christians say that they felt more loved by their unsaved friends than by the Church. I've heard of Christians encouraged by their leaders to stay away from other Christians whose doctrinal views were different. Really? How is that going to help anyone? Isn't helping them the point? That is so sad. I'm not saying that every Christian is this way but I'm seeing way too much of it in the western church. I've seen way too much of it in my own life.

People who are in sin are hurting. They aren't lepers that we must separate ourselves from as if we might 'catch' something from them. They don't give a hoot about our doctrine. They need to see Jesus. And Jesus is Love. The world doesn't need to see the Church bashing other ministries who believe differently. That's not going to draw anyone to Christ. Only the Lord knows another's heart. Even if they are off on this or that point, I can pretty much bet that we're off on some points too. People need to see Jesus. And Jesus is Love.
   
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

 I want to end with this. Paul, after concluding his teaching on the importance of the various powerful spiritual gifts for the Church in 1 Cor 12 made this profound transition into his teaching on love- “But now...Let me show you a more excellent way”. 

Love.
The more excellent way.
It’s a pretty big deal.

^{1 Corinthians 13:13
“}And now these three will remain forever: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these… is love.”