I heard Jason Upton interviewed on God TV. Something he said has been sticking with me... He was asked something like, what advice would he give young Christians... (and I guess this would apply to "old" Christians too :^)... Now for those of you who are familiar with Jason Upton, you know that his music and worship style is anything but traditional... He is my alltime favorite worship leader. I guess because he is so real, and so unaffected by trends and the opinions of man. He just gets out there and worships his heart out and might be seen by the mainstream as "different". He definitely is what I'd call "deep". So much so that he's sometimes over my head... but his music always touches my heart and I believe it also touches the heart of God.... So when he was asked this question I was very curious how he'd answer... I figured it'd be something deep and mysterious... but actually what he said surprised me. He (basically) said that there are so many mysteries in the Bible that are meant to remain mysteries... and so often we cause divisions over these mysteries when we don't even know for sure what they mean... denominations are often formed because of them... But there are so many things that are NOT mysteries in the Bible. Things that Jesus was very clear about and are not the least bit mysterious. Things we are to obey and yet we often ignore... We need to go back to the Sermon on the Mount and learn how to live the Christian life and not get caught up in all these controversies... " I thought this was good advice! And this "old" Christian is going to take it!
It's weird but right around the time the Lord began to speak to me about this, I had a dream. In the dream someone in the church called the church and was complaining about some really insignificant thing and making a huge fuss about it. (I think it had to do with the Christian flag that was displayed in the sanctuary or a banner or something) and I said by the Spirit, "we need to quit majoring on the minors and start majoring on the majors". Nothing so eloquent that you'd frame it or make it into a refrigerator magnet but I think that in it's simple way, it is profound. And I am seeking to do just that.
Not that we ignore the mysteries in the Bible... Proverbs 25:2 says, "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." But I think all too often we spend more time searching out the mysteries and ignoring the obvious!
At the Onething conference I just attended at New Years, Mike Bickle taught on the Sermon on The Mount. He called it the "constitution of the Christian faith", the "core values of the Kingdom", the "litmus test to measure our success in this life". He said that our foundational calling is not ministry but to live out the Sermon on the Mount.
It's about our relationship with God and how that is lived out in our daily life. That is our "internal calling". Our "external calling" is our assignment while here on earth. We spend way too much time worrying about that and neglecting our "internal calling" to love God, to have a relationship with Him and to be a faithful disciple of Him. If we make this our main focus, we will fulfill our "external calling".
Our time on this earth is our internship for eternity. We will not be floating around on a cloud playing a harp. We will rule and reign with Christ. We will have assignments then. We need to not content ourselves just to "make it" to heaven but to live our life here on this earth for Him and HIs Kingdom's purpose. If we do, we will be rewarded in eternity. I know we are tempted to think that that sounds kind of selfish to think of eternal rewards. But the Lord talks about it in the Bible. He wanted us to know about it because it was important to Him, so it should be important to us as well...
It doesn't matter if others think we're successful or dedicated...they don't get a vote! It only matters what the Lord thinks. He's not going to judge us on the size of our ministry but on our relationship with Him, our heart of fascination with Him.
I for one was challenged with this. I admit that in the past I have sort of skimmed through the Gospels and although I could quote lots of Jesus's words since childhood, I didn't give them enough thought... but I am going back and re-examining them with new eyes... It's now like "Wow, Jesus actually said that!"
So I want to invite you to join me in re-rexamining Jesus's words, especially in the Sermon on the Mount. I don't want to just know it, I want to live it. That's a tall order, but the Lord doesn't instruct us without equipping us.
God bless... Kayla
January 22, 2008
January 7, 2008
Go LSU!
LSU- National Champs!!!!!
GO LSU!!!!!! There's some celebrating going on at my house tonight!!! Yay!!!!
January 6, 2008
The One Thing Conference!
Snow!
The guys!
Cold!
Awesome women of God!
Happy!
I wanted to share about the conference… by the way, let me know if you guys are still out there. I haven’t had a comment in a long time ;^). (sniff, sniff) No, seriously, just wondering…
Anyway, about the conference… Every year I look so forward to attending. Now let me be clear that I realize that there are no “Meccas” in the Christian world. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and God resides within us. So we don’t need to go somewhere to meet with God. We are capable of meeting Him wherever we are…in the car, washing dishes, at work, at church, etc. But I think it is wise to take the time out of our busy lives and to steal away for a season from the ringing phones, responsibilities and distractions to meet with our God and to focus on Him and to hear what the Lord is saying from other members of the Body.
This is my third year to go. The Onething conference is put on by the International House of Prayer which has been going night and day nonstop 24/7 with prayer and worship for eight years! The conference is one of many hosted by the International House of Prayer and it bases it’s title and theme from Psalm 27:4 which says,
“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.”
And when Jesus confronted distracted Martha and said to her in Luke 10: 38
“Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” 41 And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”
This is no little ‘feel good’, entertainment conference. It’s serious business. It is geared towards the younger generation (ahem, yes I know... but I went anyway ;^) They major on God’s love, which we’ve got to get a foundational understanding of so our service to Him will be from our heart and not out of a religious mindset. Our inner calling is to love Him and to be loved by Him… all things will pass away but only love, our relationship with Him, will remain. But they balance it out with the call to live holy and blameless before Him. There is also a constant reminder that we are at the end of the age and Jesus will be returning sooner than we think. There is a clear call to “Wake up church!” I was stirred once again with the urgency that there is a lost and dying world out there and although Jesus delighted to save me, He also didn’t do it just for me to sit on my behind and keep Him to myself.
The last day, there was The Call with Lou Engle. Oh my! I have never been so convicted and stirred. The Call is to fast and pray for our nation! Every year millions of babies are aborted. He likened it to the Holocaust. It horrifies us to think of what went on then and we think we would have tried to prevent it had we been alive during that time. But where is our horror now? Here we, the Church sit, mainly silent, with a crisis at our doorstep, as millions of children are aborted each year. The blood of these millions of unborn ones cry out to heaven for justice. It was sobering to realize that there will be judgment at some point for America. It was a solemn time. Thirty thousand saints crying out together for God to end abortion in America and crying out for God’s mercy. Powerful! I so esteem Lou Engle’s ministry, The Call. He pleaded with us like one of the prophets of old. You could see that his heart was breaking, pleading with the urgency of the hour. He shared how we, as Christians, have got to vote, not along party lines necessarily but to vote for candidates that are pro-life. Yes the other issues are important, but millions of murdered babies a year, gets heaven’s attention more than any other issue. That is paramount. That has to sway our vote more than the economy, more than the war, more than health care… who will stand for the unborn? There is no greater issue. He didn’t endorse any candidate. He just asked us, as Christians, to not be yoked with those who would sanction the death of millions of unborn babies. And to fast and pray! I encourage anyone reading this to please- whether you are Democrat or Republican- it doesn’t matter- just please vote pro-life. And please pray for God’s man to be brought into office. Pray for the Supreme Court judges. We have got to get more pro-life judges in there. Prayer accompanied with powerful fasting will be key (check out an earlier blog of mine titled- "One of God’s WMD’s" which is about fasting.)
All this and I haven’t even mentioned the worship! Oh my! I feel like I was just transported into the heavenlies with the high praises of God. We came home with lots of new songs for the worship team to learn ;^). These heavenly songs are birthed in an atmosphere of 24/7 prayer and worship. No wonder they are anointed! I don’t mean to sing the praises of the conference… I came back singing the praises of my God. He touched me. I got adjusted and refocused on the only One who really matters, who I exist for. I needed that. I can't explain it... but I was changed...
Anyway, about the conference… Every year I look so forward to attending. Now let me be clear that I realize that there are no “Meccas” in the Christian world. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and God resides within us. So we don’t need to go somewhere to meet with God. We are capable of meeting Him wherever we are…in the car, washing dishes, at work, at church, etc. But I think it is wise to take the time out of our busy lives and to steal away for a season from the ringing phones, responsibilities and distractions to meet with our God and to focus on Him and to hear what the Lord is saying from other members of the Body.
This is my third year to go. The Onething conference is put on by the International House of Prayer which has been going night and day nonstop 24/7 with prayer and worship for eight years! The conference is one of many hosted by the International House of Prayer and it bases it’s title and theme from Psalm 27:4 which says,
“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.”
And when Jesus confronted distracted Martha and said to her in Luke 10: 38
“Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” 41 And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”
This is no little ‘feel good’, entertainment conference. It’s serious business. It is geared towards the younger generation (ahem, yes I know... but I went anyway ;^) They major on God’s love, which we’ve got to get a foundational understanding of so our service to Him will be from our heart and not out of a religious mindset. Our inner calling is to love Him and to be loved by Him… all things will pass away but only love, our relationship with Him, will remain. But they balance it out with the call to live holy and blameless before Him. There is also a constant reminder that we are at the end of the age and Jesus will be returning sooner than we think. There is a clear call to “Wake up church!” I was stirred once again with the urgency that there is a lost and dying world out there and although Jesus delighted to save me, He also didn’t do it just for me to sit on my behind and keep Him to myself.
The last day, there was The Call with Lou Engle. Oh my! I have never been so convicted and stirred. The Call is to fast and pray for our nation! Every year millions of babies are aborted. He likened it to the Holocaust. It horrifies us to think of what went on then and we think we would have tried to prevent it had we been alive during that time. But where is our horror now? Here we, the Church sit, mainly silent, with a crisis at our doorstep, as millions of children are aborted each year. The blood of these millions of unborn ones cry out to heaven for justice. It was sobering to realize that there will be judgment at some point for America. It was a solemn time. Thirty thousand saints crying out together for God to end abortion in America and crying out for God’s mercy. Powerful! I so esteem Lou Engle’s ministry, The Call. He pleaded with us like one of the prophets of old. You could see that his heart was breaking, pleading with the urgency of the hour. He shared how we, as Christians, have got to vote, not along party lines necessarily but to vote for candidates that are pro-life. Yes the other issues are important, but millions of murdered babies a year, gets heaven’s attention more than any other issue. That is paramount. That has to sway our vote more than the economy, more than the war, more than health care… who will stand for the unborn? There is no greater issue. He didn’t endorse any candidate. He just asked us, as Christians, to not be yoked with those who would sanction the death of millions of unborn babies. And to fast and pray! I encourage anyone reading this to please- whether you are Democrat or Republican- it doesn’t matter- just please vote pro-life. And please pray for God’s man to be brought into office. Pray for the Supreme Court judges. We have got to get more pro-life judges in there. Prayer accompanied with powerful fasting will be key (check out an earlier blog of mine titled- "One of God’s WMD’s" which is about fasting.)
All this and I haven’t even mentioned the worship! Oh my! I feel like I was just transported into the heavenlies with the high praises of God. We came home with lots of new songs for the worship team to learn ;^). These heavenly songs are birthed in an atmosphere of 24/7 prayer and worship. No wonder they are anointed! I don’t mean to sing the praises of the conference… I came back singing the praises of my God. He touched me. I got adjusted and refocused on the only One who really matters, who I exist for. I needed that. I can't explain it... but I was changed...
And the prayer room! At IHOP they have a prayer room that (as I already mentioned) goes 24/7 with worship and prayer going on continually. They somehow brought the prayer room to the conference center and as the conference was going on, you could go to the prayer room if you wanted to skip a session or something. I think for many of us, the times in the prayer room were our favorite part. Wow. To be in that atmosphere, saturated with 24/7 worship and prayer... oh my! I know God is in us, but can I tell you there are levels of His presence we've yet to know! And in the prayer room I met with Him in a deeper way...
In addition to the awesome teaching and worship, I think the fellowship with my precious sisters and brothers was so rich. The conversations on the way home in the van were meaty and as anointed as some of the sermons I heard… Robin Waites and her children, my sister Cathy, my son Max, Mary Klumb and Will Lapointe all went. It was so much fun! And it snowed! We were so excited! But it was SO cold!!! I was NOT prepared! Ankle socks don't cut it in the snow! Thank God my sister- who is like a Boy Scout, prepared for any situation (and her large amount of luggage testifies to that fact :^) loaned me a scarf and some warmer socks... And as cold as it was, Robin forgot her coat! Thankfully Max had an extra jacket that she borrowed and he decided that she looked like a Jedi Master with her white hood on. It's been a while since I've laughed as hard as I did on this trip. Mary got us all going one night when we were tired and delirous singing rhymes back and forth... You had to be there. But it was hilarious...take my word for it... :^)
Okay, I’m done for now. I plan to share some of my notes once I get them compiled. (Hopefully I can read my own handwriting :^)… But I want to encourage everyone, at some point, to get away from your routine, your home and get off somewhere, anywhere, with God, whether it be a conference, or a quiet time alone in a cabin with just you and Him. With this busy, crazy life we each have, it’s so easy to get caught up in the world’s way and to forget that we aren’t of this world. We are only in an internship here, preparing for eternity. We had better wake up! And getting away sometimes does that to us. You and those in your life will be better for it. :^D God bless! Love, Kayla
In addition to the awesome teaching and worship, I think the fellowship with my precious sisters and brothers was so rich. The conversations on the way home in the van were meaty and as anointed as some of the sermons I heard… Robin Waites and her children, my sister Cathy, my son Max, Mary Klumb and Will Lapointe all went. It was so much fun! And it snowed! We were so excited! But it was SO cold!!! I was NOT prepared! Ankle socks don't cut it in the snow! Thank God my sister- who is like a Boy Scout, prepared for any situation (and her large amount of luggage testifies to that fact :^) loaned me a scarf and some warmer socks... And as cold as it was, Robin forgot her coat! Thankfully Max had an extra jacket that she borrowed and he decided that she looked like a Jedi Master with her white hood on. It's been a while since I've laughed as hard as I did on this trip. Mary got us all going one night when we were tired and delirous singing rhymes back and forth... You had to be there. But it was hilarious...take my word for it... :^)
Okay, I’m done for now. I plan to share some of my notes once I get them compiled. (Hopefully I can read my own handwriting :^)… But I want to encourage everyone, at some point, to get away from your routine, your home and get off somewhere, anywhere, with God, whether it be a conference, or a quiet time alone in a cabin with just you and Him. With this busy, crazy life we each have, it’s so easy to get caught up in the world’s way and to forget that we aren’t of this world. We are only in an internship here, preparing for eternity. We had better wake up! And getting away sometimes does that to us. You and those in your life will be better for it. :^D God bless! Love, Kayla
P.S. I plan on transcribing and posting the prophetic word Keith gave this Sunday morning at church once I get the CD.... so stay tuned...
January 5, 2008
Happy New Year!
Hey all. I just recently returned from the annual Onething conference held in Kansas City, Missouri every New Years. I have gone the last three years. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to go this year but thankfully I was able. As time goes on I will be hopefully sharing some of the things I gleaned from the incredible teaching we received there. So stay tuned… Anyway, I wanted to say Happy New Year. I enter this new year with a lot of hope. Hope in Him! For He is Good and His mercy endures forever! God bless. Kayla
December 17, 2007
Our Personal Savior...
It’s been quite a while since I posted anything… I wanted to thank those who have prayed for my friend Kelli. She’s doing really good after her surgery and says thanks to all who prayed for her. God provided miraculously and she was able to have the surgery she needed before any more damage was done to her spine. She did not have to pay a cent! The Lord moved on the hearts of people to meet this need. It was a great example of the Body of Christ, here on earth, extending His love through human hands.
We also have been in need of His provision lately. Bills have come in here at Christmastime that we didn’t expect, needs have come up that couldn’t be avoided… There were a few days where all I could do was put my head in my hands and say, “Lord how on earth…?” I spread my bills out before the Lord and like King Jehoshaphat when he was up against insurmountable odds, cried out, “Lord, I don’t know what to do…but my eyes are on You.” I am not going to pretend that my faith has never wavered. It’s hard to explain how it feels to KNOW in your head the truth that He loves and provides but to be so overwhelmed in a fog of circumstances and emotions that you cannot lay HOLD of it. It’s as if I say to the Lord, “Yes, but…” as if He hadn’t encountered a problem quite like mine before!
It’s oftentimes easier to have faith for others, than for yourself. When I’m objectively looking at a friend’s situation, I can easily see how much bigger our God is than their problem and can easily see Him loving them and providing for them whatever they need. But with my own issues, it’s not quite so easy. It’s like I have no problem believing He CAN, it’s just a matter of believing that He WANTS to! Nobody knows us, like we know ourselves (except God of course), so it’s often hard to believe He’d do a great thing for us… I’m becoming more and more convinced that the major revelation that most Christians need, in order to move forward with God, is a revelation of His love for them. Yet, despite our lack of faith in this fact, He still proves it over and over again… Despite me, and my tiny faith, He has been showing me that He cares.
It’s funny but it’s when God answers little personal prayers, about non-Kingdom things, that my faith grows and my heart grows warm with His love. It’s also great when He answers BIG prayers, but Big prayers usually benefit lots of people… it’s when those silly little requests that mean something to only me are answered, that I am the most encouraged and I see how this great big God who created the universe, really does notice and care for me… God’s love, demonstrated to the great big world, isn’t generic and impersonal, but specific and personal to each of us.
So all that to say- my family and I have been the blessed recipients of several demonstrations of God’s provision this Christmas season. It’s as if He’s been saying… “See, it’s going to be okay. Quit worrying. Daddy’s gonna take care of it.” Unfortunately I can’t give details because it involves Christmas gifts, ;^) but He has surprised us again and again with His creative and generous Spirit. Very specific things, that have amazed me and shown me, how much our great Father sees and knows and cares. He has inspired and moved through others. Some who may not yet know Him. It has encouraged me and has strengthened my faith and given me the desire to look for opportunities to be channels of His blessing to others.
During this holiday season, when things can get too busy and stressful and distracting, lets find some time to sit still before our Father and to just meditate on His great personal love for us and to remember all that He has done for us, large and small. I promise, it won’t take you long to think of something. Start at the manger… and go from there.
He IS the only reason for this season… He is everything we need! He can be trusted! Come! Let us adore Him!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Kayla
We also have been in need of His provision lately. Bills have come in here at Christmastime that we didn’t expect, needs have come up that couldn’t be avoided… There were a few days where all I could do was put my head in my hands and say, “Lord how on earth…?” I spread my bills out before the Lord and like King Jehoshaphat when he was up against insurmountable odds, cried out, “Lord, I don’t know what to do…but my eyes are on You.” I am not going to pretend that my faith has never wavered. It’s hard to explain how it feels to KNOW in your head the truth that He loves and provides but to be so overwhelmed in a fog of circumstances and emotions that you cannot lay HOLD of it. It’s as if I say to the Lord, “Yes, but…” as if He hadn’t encountered a problem quite like mine before!
It’s oftentimes easier to have faith for others, than for yourself. When I’m objectively looking at a friend’s situation, I can easily see how much bigger our God is than their problem and can easily see Him loving them and providing for them whatever they need. But with my own issues, it’s not quite so easy. It’s like I have no problem believing He CAN, it’s just a matter of believing that He WANTS to! Nobody knows us, like we know ourselves (except God of course), so it’s often hard to believe He’d do a great thing for us… I’m becoming more and more convinced that the major revelation that most Christians need, in order to move forward with God, is a revelation of His love for them. Yet, despite our lack of faith in this fact, He still proves it over and over again… Despite me, and my tiny faith, He has been showing me that He cares.
It’s funny but it’s when God answers little personal prayers, about non-Kingdom things, that my faith grows and my heart grows warm with His love. It’s also great when He answers BIG prayers, but Big prayers usually benefit lots of people… it’s when those silly little requests that mean something to only me are answered, that I am the most encouraged and I see how this great big God who created the universe, really does notice and care for me… God’s love, demonstrated to the great big world, isn’t generic and impersonal, but specific and personal to each of us.
So all that to say- my family and I have been the blessed recipients of several demonstrations of God’s provision this Christmas season. It’s as if He’s been saying… “See, it’s going to be okay. Quit worrying. Daddy’s gonna take care of it.” Unfortunately I can’t give details because it involves Christmas gifts, ;^) but He has surprised us again and again with His creative and generous Spirit. Very specific things, that have amazed me and shown me, how much our great Father sees and knows and cares. He has inspired and moved through others. Some who may not yet know Him. It has encouraged me and has strengthened my faith and given me the desire to look for opportunities to be channels of His blessing to others.
During this holiday season, when things can get too busy and stressful and distracting, lets find some time to sit still before our Father and to just meditate on His great personal love for us and to remember all that He has done for us, large and small. I promise, it won’t take you long to think of something. Start at the manger… and go from there.
He IS the only reason for this season… He is everything we need! He can be trusted! Come! Let us adore Him!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Kayla
November 11, 2007
Two Crybabies
If you are like me and babies and dogs twang at your heartstrings, then you will love this video. Enjoy! Kayla
October 14, 2007
From the Riverbank...
My eldest daughter Haley has turned 20. This means that I have been a mother for TWENTY years! That's half my life! (give or take a couple of years :^) That’s hitting me hard. Not because I feel old but mainly because I’ve entered into a new season of my life and I don’t feel ready for it. I don’t feel completely willing for this transition to take place.
Normally I would have waited until I had already made the transition to blog; when I had a nice neat sermon typed up, cataloging all of the deep revelations and conclusions I’ve formed. Well I’m not going to wait until then because I have no clue how long it will take. Plus I’m tired of communicating only from a standpoint of closure. Life is rarely like that…all wrapped up, summed up, with a nice pretty bow and filed away with a neat little label. I’m rarely at that place. I’m usually where I am now- in the middle of sorting something out. And having never been here before, I am feeling my way as I go.
Being a mom has defined me for so long. Having always homeschooled, I’ve been with my kids more than anybody else. Every thought and dream and plan has always included and considered the children; considered us as a family. I almost don't know who I am without them. They captured my heart from the moment I laid eyes on their little faces. Even in the other things I have done with my life, being their mother has not been something I've done... it's been entwined in my marrow, in the very depth of who I am. I couldn't separate myself from that anymore than I could change my DNA.
I am fulfilled as a wife. Although my relationship with Keith has grown through the years, the very nature of our relationship is well definied and will basically stay the same. Not so with my relationship with my children. I don’t know how to be a mother to an adult. I know of course, that I can’t mother Haley like I did when she was younger. Yet I’ll obviously always be her mother. That mother thing burns in your heart and it is a love that is stronger than death. It’s not something I can turn off now that we’ve entered a new season. Everything that involves my children, interests me still- as much, if not more than what concerns me. My heart is bound up with them and it always will be. But I have to learn to express it in different ways. Yet something in me mourns at that change. I realize that is selfish. That is focusing on me and my desire to mother like I want rather than on what THEY need… but I’m just trying to keep it real here. This is where I am. But I know that I will work through this... I always do… (just taking you on the journey with me :^)
I wonder if it will get easier as each one leaves the nest? Will I become an old pro like those people in the commercial who wave at their son as he drives off to college and then before he’s out of sight, they joyfully dismantle his room and turn it into the bonus room they always wanted?
I seriously doubt it!
I am SO proud of Haley. I rejoice with her growing into the Godly young lady she has become. She’s found a wonderful young man who she’ll be marrying sometime next year. He is so like Keith. Josh will treat her like a treasure, just like Keith treats me. I am so thankful for their relationship. But I miss her already. It wasn’t an overnight change but the transition has been happening slowly over the last few years. So slow that I barely noticed it. But it is upon us now.
When I was so stressed out with toddlers and babies, why didn’t I treasure the time more? Everyone who’d gone before me told me that they grow up in a blink of an eye. But like the young mothers I tell that to today, you just cannot see it when you’re in it.. Maybe you’re not suppose to. Someone once likened it to a cowboy fording a swollen river with his herd. He doesn’t stop in the middle of the rushing river to take a photograph. He has to get them safely to the other side. He can reflect on the journey then. I guess that’s what happens. I guess I’m on the other side with Haley and I’m looking back and I’m sort of sad. How did I come to get here so quickly? But I know... in time...that will be replaced with acceptance and a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. As for today, I treasure every toy I trip over. I know that Spiderman and Barbie's days in my house are drawing to a close. That makes me profoundly sad. But I will adjust, I know I will. I'm just "at where I'm at" today.
This side of the river that I'm on as a mom is unfamiliar ground. Haley is 20 and will marry this year, Max is 17. The twins will be 13 on their next birthday. I don’t have little kids anymore. I never will again. BUT the end of one season is also the beginning of another one. I have no idea what that entails and what the blessings and challenges will be this side of the river, but I am here, like it or not. What I DON'T want to do is to keep looking back at yesterday and to miss the season I’m in today. I don't want to miss the beauty of this new place by gazing across the river at where we've been... Some Moms seem to transition into this seamlessly, but not me. It's a painful transition. But all I hear all over the Body of Christ is- TRANSITION! SHIFTING! So I guess I'm not transitioning alone! But bear with me. Pray for me. And any of you who have gone before me on this journey, please share your photographs from the riverbank with me! I need all the help I can get! :^)
God bless.
Kayla
Normally I would have waited until I had already made the transition to blog; when I had a nice neat sermon typed up, cataloging all of the deep revelations and conclusions I’ve formed. Well I’m not going to wait until then because I have no clue how long it will take. Plus I’m tired of communicating only from a standpoint of closure. Life is rarely like that…all wrapped up, summed up, with a nice pretty bow and filed away with a neat little label. I’m rarely at that place. I’m usually where I am now- in the middle of sorting something out. And having never been here before, I am feeling my way as I go.
Being a mom has defined me for so long. Having always homeschooled, I’ve been with my kids more than anybody else. Every thought and dream and plan has always included and considered the children; considered us as a family. I almost don't know who I am without them. They captured my heart from the moment I laid eyes on their little faces. Even in the other things I have done with my life, being their mother has not been something I've done... it's been entwined in my marrow, in the very depth of who I am. I couldn't separate myself from that anymore than I could change my DNA.
I am fulfilled as a wife. Although my relationship with Keith has grown through the years, the very nature of our relationship is well definied and will basically stay the same. Not so with my relationship with my children. I don’t know how to be a mother to an adult. I know of course, that I can’t mother Haley like I did when she was younger. Yet I’ll obviously always be her mother. That mother thing burns in your heart and it is a love that is stronger than death. It’s not something I can turn off now that we’ve entered a new season. Everything that involves my children, interests me still- as much, if not more than what concerns me. My heart is bound up with them and it always will be. But I have to learn to express it in different ways. Yet something in me mourns at that change. I realize that is selfish. That is focusing on me and my desire to mother like I want rather than on what THEY need… but I’m just trying to keep it real here. This is where I am. But I know that I will work through this... I always do… (just taking you on the journey with me :^)
I wonder if it will get easier as each one leaves the nest? Will I become an old pro like those people in the commercial who wave at their son as he drives off to college and then before he’s out of sight, they joyfully dismantle his room and turn it into the bonus room they always wanted?
I seriously doubt it!
I am SO proud of Haley. I rejoice with her growing into the Godly young lady she has become. She’s found a wonderful young man who she’ll be marrying sometime next year. He is so like Keith. Josh will treat her like a treasure, just like Keith treats me. I am so thankful for their relationship. But I miss her already. It wasn’t an overnight change but the transition has been happening slowly over the last few years. So slow that I barely noticed it. But it is upon us now.
When I was so stressed out with toddlers and babies, why didn’t I treasure the time more? Everyone who’d gone before me told me that they grow up in a blink of an eye. But like the young mothers I tell that to today, you just cannot see it when you’re in it.. Maybe you’re not suppose to. Someone once likened it to a cowboy fording a swollen river with his herd. He doesn’t stop in the middle of the rushing river to take a photograph. He has to get them safely to the other side. He can reflect on the journey then. I guess that’s what happens. I guess I’m on the other side with Haley and I’m looking back and I’m sort of sad. How did I come to get here so quickly? But I know... in time...that will be replaced with acceptance and a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. As for today, I treasure every toy I trip over. I know that Spiderman and Barbie's days in my house are drawing to a close. That makes me profoundly sad. But I will adjust, I know I will. I'm just "at where I'm at" today.
This side of the river that I'm on as a mom is unfamiliar ground. Haley is 20 and will marry this year, Max is 17. The twins will be 13 on their next birthday. I don’t have little kids anymore. I never will again. BUT the end of one season is also the beginning of another one. I have no idea what that entails and what the blessings and challenges will be this side of the river, but I am here, like it or not. What I DON'T want to do is to keep looking back at yesterday and to miss the season I’m in today. I don't want to miss the beauty of this new place by gazing across the river at where we've been... Some Moms seem to transition into this seamlessly, but not me. It's a painful transition. But all I hear all over the Body of Christ is- TRANSITION! SHIFTING! So I guess I'm not transitioning alone! But bear with me. Pray for me. And any of you who have gone before me on this journey, please share your photographs from the riverbank with me! I need all the help I can get! :^)
God bless.
Kayla
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