I just now told a friend whom I was IMing that I felt a blog coming on... :)
But which of the dozen or so things churning in my head do I blog about? Do I tell the dreams I've been having? Do I tell the revelation about rejection and shame? Do I share about the new song I wrote and why I wrote it?
I'll hold off on the dreams for now... Not time to share that yet.
But since the rejection/shame issue is pretty fresh, I'll go there. I have struggled with rejection for quite some time, I'd say most of my life. It's not something I feel non-stop 24/7. But when it hits me, its like a wrecking ball to the gut; sometimes out of the blue, surprising me. I've learned to recognize it instantly. I no longer have to ask myself- "what am I feeling just now?" If its rejection- I know! I heard someone say once that 'perceived' rejection hurts just the same as real rejection. I'm not sure if thats entirely true but I'm inclined to agree. Whatever it is, it hurts worse to me than anything I've personally experienced. The closer the relationship, the more the pain. But I think when it has become a stronghold, the enemy can yank your chain at the slightest hint of rejection from anyone. Because at it's core, rejection hits at our worth and our sense of belonging. I've seen people be rejected and I knew it was for their own good. To be 'accepted' would have been to get on the wrong path, or with the wrong person or group. But even knowing that, why does it still bring pain? We may KNOW that being rejected is direction or protection for us, but why does it still hurt? Again- there's a lie operating that our worth has been tested and has been found wanting.
Well, lately, rejection (or perceived rejection- not sure which) has been cropping up a lot in my life. I'll think I'm making progress then, wham- another wrecking ball... Whether or not this is an attack from the enemy, I don't know, but I do know that the Lord is allowing it. Why? Well I hope for several reasons- one being -me not being allowed to bury my head in the sand but being forced to deal with rejection face on and finally, once and for all, overcoming it.
If this is going to make sense I'm going to have to back up. I want to be honest here. I haven't always walked with God. I'm sure many of us have pasts we regret. I'm no exception and that's where the shame issue comes in. With this facebook venture I'm on, more emotions than I've felt I could handle have been stirred up. Its been a huge blessing to reconnect with these precious old friends, don't get me wrong. I am so blessed to see old faces again and to see where they are now. But there have been many reminders of my past that I can't get away from. Some of it painful and regrettable.
Just today something I read on facebook came up that left me feeling rejected. I had been excluded from something with people from a particular season of my life. Honestly, I'd have not even considered being a part of it, but as silly as it may sound, I felt hurt and those old painful feelings of rejection came to call. The wrecking ball was back. As I was texting a friend about it, I said this- "I know I don't belong there, but it still hurts." Then, it was like- wait! Hold on a minute- I don't belong there. I do not belong there. I don't belong there! And it was like a light came on in my head. It was like the Lord telling me- "Kayla you are not identified with that season. You are identified with Me!" Wow. The revelation hit me that I am a new creation! I am in a new season. Old things are passed away. I do not belong in that old season. So, of course! Its not rejection, its a revelation- I do not belong! And thats good! I belong with HIM. I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am washed in the blood. My past is gone. I do not belong to it. No wonder I was excluded! But I do belong in HIM. In His presence. His family. His Kingdom. Hallelujah!
Now, don't get me wrong- I am not saying I am any better than anyone from my past These are precious people whom I love dearly. But I am no longer identified with that season. Just one word from Jesus is all we need to have light and truth and freedom. Praise God! Even when I've missed the mark as recently as yesterday, I'm not defined by that. I'm not identified with it. Even if others try to identify me with my failures, Jesus doesn't. He paid it all. Oh how I love Him. So as simple a revelation as that may seem, it is monumental to me. Its been one of those truths I did know in part, but now I know in a deeper place.
Which brings me to my song. For a while, I've been asking the Lord to shine His light into every part of me... As I've seen people fall, who once knew God, its become clear that there were unsurrendered areas of darkness in their heart that were never dealt with. I've been crying out- Lord, deal with me (and above is an example of how He has been, praise God!) But I've seen how even small areas of darkness, if not surrendered, can grow to where the light eventually is extinguished and darkness is all that remains.
The scripture the Lord has led me to is Psalm 86:11 "Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."
When Israel sinned, the Lord compared them to a adulterous wife. What causes adultery? A divided heart! An area where there isn't wholehearted commitment to the spouse. An area of darkness that eventually divides and conquers. In my alarm at my former brothers and sisters who are no longer walking in the Light, I have prayed this. And the Lord has been revealing my own areas of darkness, compromise, rationalization... Its caused me to be desperate for His light and truth even more.
Proverbs 4: 18 says "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. 19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble."
Pastor had a word recently about us giving God our whole heart. I thought of my dreams with the secret rooms. This has led me on a quest for my whole heart in the Light of God... And this led me to this song. I wrote it Sunday (while the family watched the Super Bowl :) On a whim, I practiced with the band Tuesday night, not expecting it to be ready to sing. They picked up on it immediately and seemed to embrace the message and spirit of the song. We sang it at altar call Wednesday night. I am singing it Sunday morning. The impact Wednesday night was powerful. I believe it is a song for this season (where I DO belong :) Here are the lyrics.
Face To The Son
Sovereign Lord, hear my prayer
From this earth, turn my eyes
Holy God, lift my head
To behold love's pure light
Sovereign Lord, hear my cry
Come and turn my eyes from me
Holy God, lift my head
Til Your face is all I see
Your brightness like the noonday sun
The darkness flees, the shadows run
You're breaking through, oh brilliant One
Our hearts alive when glory comes
We turn our face to the Son (repeat)
Nothing hidden from Your gaze
Piercing to the deepest part
Relentless love come have Your way
Break us open, fill our hearts
Glory glory send Your glory
Glory glory send Your glory
God bless. Kayla