December 12, 2008

Bloglessness

Hey all... I have not been a faithful blogger of late. I apologize. But I don't promise that this one will be worth the wait either. I tend to blog whenever I have news, or have come through something and have some sort of revelation that I wish to share. Well, I have neither at the moment nor have I for quite some time... hence my bloglessness....

Bloglessness... hmmm... I like that....
I think I'll send that one in to Webster and see what they think. :^)

Well, the only news of sorts that I have is that I am working now, after years of being a stay-at-home mom. Its only part time, three days a week, but I love it! I'm working at Hosanna First Assembly, in the bookkeeping department, helping Madeleine Felps, the best person in the world to work for. Everyone should work for Madeleine if they get a chance... On second thought... you can forget that or else I'd have to quit my job... and that's not happening anytime soon, so sorry...just dream on! :). But its great to work in a Christian environment with people I truly love. I realize that thats not the norm for most people and I am extremely thankful. But it has made what time I have, more elusive. So... bloglessness.

Also, I am going through something I don't quite understand... Usually I blog when having come out on the other side of it, when I have revelation that I think people can relate to, or that I think might encourage someone. Or I blog for people who care for me and want to know where I've been. I tend to think no one wants to hear where I currently am when I don't know myself. So here's more excuses for bloglessness because I'm smack dab in the middle of something that I don't think I can quite express yet. I haven't gotten to the other end of it and have no words of wisdom, no victory yet to share... Yet I blog to you today not in reflection of the storm, but in the midst of it.

Suffice it to say, I've been hit with some difficult stuff, of similar nature, but from different directions, all in a short period of time. That usually indicates to me that something is up. I wonder- is this the devil? Is it God? Is it just me? I think the answer to that is- yes. It is all of the above. Now, the enemy being the opportunist that he is assaults me and stirs the pot regularly. My flesh has at times risen up in defense or sunk low in despair. But my God, always in control, never wastes anything. So I'm not sure what this is but I do believe that God is using this to shine a light into my heart and to reveal things still not healed, still not free... It just seems to be all at once. Every time I turn around- bam, there the pain is again- but from a totally different source.

And this pain, long ignored... can be ignored no more...

I've lived long enough to recognize that we humans, almost every time, will choose to live with pain rather than to face and deal with it's source.

Years ago I had two telling dreams that lately have come back to my mind.

In the first dream- I discovered a secret room in my house. I was so excited. It had been there all along and I hadn't known it. I found that it was full of valuable things of the type that I personally enjoy- beautiful antique furniture, rugs, vintage collectables, paintings. But as I gazed around this room of treasures in delight, I then was shocked to discover, lying on the bed was an Egyptian mummy in a casket. I was horrified. As a child, I'd read how when explorers discovered the tombs of the ancient Pharoahs, those who discovered the treasure were then cursed in some way for the rest of their life. Several died tragic deaths soon after. In my dream, I became afraid. The room that had previously seemed like a blessing now seemed to be a curse. I remember thinking "I don't want to deal with the mummy... It is too creepy. Plus it will be too heavy for me...". So I quickly backed out of the room, boarded it up and lived in my house like before, with an unclaimed treasure, and a fear, right behind the walls.

Later I had another dream exactly like it. A secret room discovered in my house. I was again delighted to find another treasure trove of antiques. But like before, something else was in the room. This time, instead of a mummy, there was a cage of rats. I remember thinking that I did not want to have to remove them. They were dirty and they frightened me. I thought, "If I leave them there and close the room up, they'll just die and I won't have to deal with removing them"... but I remember thinking- "yes, but then they will stink up the entire house".. But sadly I made the same decision to leave the treasure... and the rats, behind the wall. I closed them up and lived in my house as before. Knowing that behind my wall, was treasure... but also knowing that I'd have to deal with the rats to claim it.

I guess I reasoned both times, that the treasure wasn't worth the fear of dealing with the pain. Now I'm discovering, I'm not so sure.

I remember before I had my hysterectomy, I lived in constant pain for years in order to not face the pain of surgery. It's really amazing what you will learn to live with in order to avoid what it will take to "fix" that pain. For a long while, I coped pretty well. But my pain would not go away. It just got worse. It finally got so bad that I couldn't live with it anymore. I couldn't ignore it anymore. I couldn't adjust my limited life around it anymore. It had finally taken over to the point that my entire life's focus had become dealing with the pain. I finally had to get desperate and pain-ridden enough to make a decision, once and for all, to rid myself of the source of my pain. And that required surgery. But after my surgery, in a moment, the source of my pain was gone. Yes I had to endure more pain from the surgery. But it was pain with purpose. A clean wound that would heal during my season of recovery. But in the end, the source of my pain was gone. And I haven't hurt anymore since...

Had the pain not gotten so bad... I'd have not pursued surgery... I'd not have said- enough is enough. I want to be whole!

As much as we all hate pain... if we did not have it, we'd not know when there is a problem. It draws our attention to whatever is limiting and hindering our health, our life, our purpose. I want to be pain free... but not just for me. The devil probably would have sought to take us out years ago if he didn't think that our remaining in pain on this earth would affect those around us and take them down with us. I want to be painfree for lots of reasons, but not just for my own comfort. I want to fulfill His purpose in creating me to live on this planet at this chosen time. But most important, I don't want to negatively affect the purpose and fruitfulness of the following generations by not fulfilling my appointed purpose and not being whole enough to help them with theirs...

So that folks is where I am. I have a pain. It is familiar to me. I've learned to live around it. I've coped with it most of my life. But recently, I have been unable to ignore it. Situations have caused it to hurt worse. And I am coming to the conclusion that I don't think I want to live with this pain anymore. I want to be whole and free and fruitful. Should I chain myself to the prayer closet until God moves? I haven't gotten that desperate yet. But I am fast approaching it...

Hence my bloglessness of late...

But alas! I am blogless no more! :^)

God bless! Kayla

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, Miss Bloglessness-No-More!
Enjoyed the ride... keep it coming when you can.
Brother Russell

Anonymous said...

i recall those dreams...and i think there is treasure beyond those doors. pain and all you are a treasure to me. blessings. stacey

Kayla said...

I had to laugh at your comment Stacey..."pain and all you are a treasure"... Even though a pain, I'm glad that you still consider me a treasure... ;)(haha...I know what you meant).

Anonymous said...

i could've used a comma in there...see, you are a pain in the...treasury of my heart. sn

Sonja said...

Wow! Just so happens I can relate to most of what you are talking about...especially the part of "does anyone REALLY care to hear it."
Many times I have thought about "stopping" blogging because I am not sure it is making a difference...but, deep down my desire to write, wether it is for others or not, comes out! It is what I was meant to do...wether someone cares to read or not.
I am glad to see you write again. I have always enjoyed your blogging and thoughts.
You are a precious woman, a gifted one at that.
Atleast you have found an outlet to some of your "pain"...I am still looking.

Sonja

Kingshuk said...

Nice ;)