Facebook Status on Steroids

This blog post started off as a Facebook status and it took on a life of it’s own. So I decided to make it a blog post. I was due for one anyway. Not sure if it’s my best one but it definitely convicted the heck out of me. So here goes:

I think sometimes when God is working in our lives and revealing truth to us, our need for the affirmation of others will cause us to run from the secret place to share it with the world before it’s fully formed. Kind of like picking fruit before it’s ripened. The seed that was planted, springs up as a tender shoot and we pull it out and admire it and pass it around prematurely. But it never reaches it’s full potential. It never has a chance to develop, to mature in the secret place where no one sees it but it’s Creator. The anchoring roots of intimacy that are developed over time in that lonely, hidden place are bypassed for instant gratification. It may nourish a few, but it’s far-reaching potential is never realized. It is consumed in it’s infancy so it’s impact is limited. 

I’m not saying that sharing our revelations is wrong, don’t misunderstand. It's certainly valuable and usually beneficial. But our ‘public’ relationship with God should be just the tip of the iceberg. What’s below the surface, what is hidden from view, what is intimate and personal, should make up the bulk of it. If what is seen is larger than what is unseen, then we're out of balance. Somewhere down the line, we lost our first love and replaced it with a cheap substitute-the fleeting praise of man.

What is unseen will eventually impact what is seen.

It sort of reminds me of these reality shows. Where a film crew comes in and films a couple and they live a form of their lives for a watching world's entertainment. But sadly, all too often these very public relationships collapse when the cameras shut off.  What will remain when there's no more audience? Is it real enough to endure?

These are questions nobody can answer but us. I'm asking them to myself even as I write it in this public forum. I'm preaching to the choir here. I've been guilty of bounding away from the secret place before the Lord has had a chance to finish planting the seed deep within my soul and have shared with the world what I've yet to partake of myself. Yuck.

The bottom line is this: Relationships are eternal. Our ministry will pass away. What people think of us won’t matter one bit on that day. We'll stand before Him alone without the crowds and all that will matter is this: Did I really know Him for myself? Did He know me?

Keith and I aren't hesitant to express our appreciation for one another publicly or to share with others what we've learned from 30+ years of marriage. But who we are in public isn't all there is to us. The core of our relationship is derived in private, away from prying eyes. What the world sees of us is the result of that. It'd be pretty ridiculous if in our relationship, we were dependent on others' approval and opinions or if we needed a mediator in order to hear from or to understand one another. So why do we think it's that way with the Lord? After all, we were made for relationship because He made us like Himself. It was all His idea. And all of ministry, all other relationships, all fruit, flow organically from that secret spring of intimacy. Personal relationship is the source and it is also the goal. 

And once again, I'm back to my all-time favorite verse which I could quote in a coma and which causes my children to roll their eyes and say, "We know Mom. We know." ;)

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness (relationship). And all these things shall be added unto you.”
I’ll close with this pithy thought I had not long ago. It is this:
'Don't pursue your purpose. Don't pursue your destiny. Don't pursue your ministry. Don't pursue your dreams. But rather, pursue God. And on that path of pursuing Him, you will run into your purpose, you will run into your destiny, you will run into your ministry and you will run into your dreams.'

Seek first...the secret place. Seek first... Relationship. Seek first... Him!
And all these other things, will naturally fall into place.
The End. 

(Can you imagine if this had truly been a Facebook status? Jeez!)

Storms

 I’m convinced that probably 95% of our struggles originate from a lack of trusting God. Of course I cannot prove this and all I can go on is my own life experience and what I’ve observed from people I have encountered.  But this seems to be the common thread and I’m pretty certain that I’m right about this.

You’d think after a lifetime of seeing God provide, protect, touch, bless and guide my life that I’d trust Him. But it’s when the storms hit that you really find out what your faith is made of.  We’ve all heard it said that when you go through hard times you find out who your real friends are. Well there’s just nothing that tests a relationship like trouble. There was one particular time when my relationship with God was tested like never before when I walked through a storm that pulled the rug out from under me and left me hurt and angry for a long, long time. I did everything I knew to do and that had worked before- forgive, seek God, repent, pray, fast, repeat… But nothing got better and for the first time ever, I feared for my faith and God didn’t seem to be helping the situation with His silence and seeming distance. I was confused and depressed. I felt my heart growing away but God didn’t seem to be doing one thing to stop it.  I wrote this to Him one day:

So what's wrong God? It must be with me. But I'm trying. It's not like I don’t care. I really want to be close to You. Since You're invisible I can't exactly rely on my natural senses to see, hear and touch You. I have to rely on my spirit to see and hear You. So is my spirit shut down? Has it been so damaged by all this that it's just gone into hibernation? Is my body just going through the motions of Christianity while my spirit takes a break and tries to heal? I just don’t know.

I just didn’t know. I realize not everyone will relate to this or see the significance of my doubt; especially if you weren’t raised in church or are new to the whole Christianity thing . But from one who was in church as soon as my mom was released from the maternity ward, I can say-I know this stuff.  Or so I thought. I’ve predominantly and sincerely done the Christian thing the majority of my life except for a few years in my teens when I backslid. And when I did finally return to God, I set my face towards Him and I never looked back. That was almost 30 years ago.  Life hasn’t been easy, don’t get me wrong. We’ve had our share of struggles and failures. But I can honestly say, I’ve not once doubted that I’d stick it out- until this particular storm.

It’s funny the things that break each of us; the particular trigger-point that will, in one moment, set in motion the destruction of the fortress within that took a lifetime to build. What might be the undoing of me probably wouldn’t faze you and vice versa. But this particular trial did a number on me. I didn’t know what I could trust anymore. Because for the first time, the stuff I’d always known didn’t seem to be working.

Now if I’d been counseling someone in my situation I know I would have asked them- “Have you forgiven? Are you spending time with the Lord? Have you thought about fasting? Are you in the Word? Are you spending time in praise and worship?” And those are all very good questions and good counsel. I’d have probably prayed with them and more than likely I would have told them to hang in there (and would have undoubtedly quoted-“having done all, stand!”). I’d have exhorted them to trust, reassured them of God’s love, and I would have shared that discouragement is one of the enemy’s biggest weapons. I’d have told them to guard their minds and to speak words of life. Again- these are all the truth.  (See I told you. I know this stuff. )

But not gonna lie- if someone had tried that with me then, I’d have probably punched them in the throat. I could have written a book I knew this stuff so well- yet there I was, knowing all that, and still depressed and disillusioned.

But it’s here I discovered something I don’t think I could have learned any other way- for truth to do us any good, sometimes we have to walk through the fire to get it. It can’t be second-hand information, even handed down from trusted people. It has to be our own or it has no real power for us. I’m not suggesting that we stop speaking truth to others (for fear of being throat punched) or from listening to truth when we'd rather roll our eyes. For 'one sows, one waters but only God gives the increase'. Even a half-hearted seed can change a life…But there are just some things that can only be learned through experience; especially if you’ve heard it all before.

During this storm I kept praying, I kept fasting, I kept forgiving and I kept reading the word.  One day when I was having a cosmic meltdown at the kitchen table my husband spoke words that finally penetrated my “heard it all” heart. It was simple but he said- “Honey, this is a trial. The Bible talked about this. Right now you are like that tree on the riverbank the Bible talks about. It’s a drought and you aren’t getting water in the usual way. Your roots are having to go deep to find the water.  You may not feel very spiritual or close to God right now but you haven’t left and neither has He. You’re still seeking Him. You haven’t quit. Not quitting IS winning. It won’t always be like this. Its building strength.” And I promise I didn’t punch him. I guess I was ready to hear it then. Maybe, just maybe during all those dry boring prayer times God HAD heard me. Maybe just maybe, He would bring good from this storm I was in. Now I don’t for a second think God created the storm. Never once in the Bible do you hear Jesus causing a storm. Rather, He always quieted the storms He encountered. But He CAN and He DOES bring good out of the worst things. Just as storms can test relationships, I found that they can also strengthen them.

There came a moment where the Lord clearly showed me that I had a trust issue. I needed to put it all into His hands and to let it go. (Cue the Frozen soundtrack). Sounds like an anticlimactic revelation but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m used to fixing things and I couldn’t fix this.  There was a moment when that reality sunk in and I’d never felt more helpless. But then the revelation came that helpless isn’t hopeless. Helpless is saying- I cannot help this situation. I cannot even help myself. I have to let it go. I had to trust God to handle what I could not control. Like what was I thinking anyway? That I could do a better job than Him? As easy as it may sound, really letting go and putting it into His hands was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do.

I found that forgiveness also involved trust- trusting that God had a plan and nothing or no one was going to thwart that. I’m reminded of Joseph in the Bible. His brothers betrayed him and tried to remove him from his place of favor and influence and in their efforts to harm him and his destiny they actually placed him in a position to be of much greater influence than even Joseph himself could have imagined. We know the end of the story. But when Joseph was in the middle of this trial, he didn't. Yet while in prison, during his storm, he trusted that God still was in control and God had his future in His hands and that He alone was responsible for bringing it to pass. His brothers couldn’t stop God’s plan. Nothing could stand in God’s way. So when the time came Joseph was able to forgive them. They hadn’t harmed him, they had actually helped him. Forgiveness is saying, on the unresolved side of the story, 'God they did me wrong, and it looks like they ruined everything, but I am trusting You to not only bring me through this but to still fulfill Your promise in a greater way because of it. ' Only trust can say something like that.

Its an obvious fact that if we don’t stop but keep going, at some point we won’t be where we were but we’ll end up somewhere else. At the risk of sounding formulaic (that really is a word. Look it up) I kept seeking, kept asking, sometimes just going through the motions and kept at it until I walked myself out of the valley I was in.

And here’s the other side of the coin of this tale- Just as I believe probably 95% of our problems come through not trusting God  (disclaimer: these percentages are not scientifically verified). I also believe that the solution to 95% of our problems is a revelation encounter with the love of God.  Think about it- if we know God loves us… okay lets stop a moment…. God… GOD…. The Uncreated One who created uh me and uh this earth and uh the universe etc etc LOVES me. Loves ME! Can we pause and take that in for a moment? Can you not see how the revelation of that should make us the most secure people in the entire universe? And since most issues we face involve things like insecurity, doubt, confusion, depression, fear and shame… would any of that remain if we truly trusted God? How can we not trust someone who loves us? Loves us so much to send His only Son who He really really likes a whole lot to die in our place? No matter how awesome I think you are, I sure wouldn’t give up any of my children for you. Sorry. And you wouldn’t for me either. Yet I would lay down my life for my children. Why? Because I love them more than anything. More than my own life. And that’s what God did. I don’t understand all the reasons behind why Jesus had to die but I do know that it means He loves us a lot. Wow. That’s a whole heck of a lotta love. And the revelation of that life-changing love is the solution to everything.

Now there have been seasons where God was as close as my thoughts and I felt His presence and pleasure all day long. But just like in the natural, weather patterns change and sometimes storms come. It doesn’t mean God sent them our way. But they do come. It’s inevitable. God DOES NOT change but the storms we go through can alter the landscape in us. Like after a tornado passes through an area we may find that the terrain has become unrecognizable. The old familiar paths have been washed away. Some of those paths needed washing away. Others probably didn't and will need to be rebuilt. After this storm passed through me I felt like I found myself at ground zero of my faith. It was bare bones but it was finally real and honest. Nobody looking, no religion, just me and God were left. And now I know that God hadn’t gone anywhere. I guess it's not really faith if we only believe when we see and understand. Its those roots, stretching deeper than they'd ever been required before to go to find that water and becoming more grounded and secure as a result.

Before this storm blew through and dislodged so many things, there was a lot that I thought I knew that I realize now I really didn't know at all. But when the dust settled there remained some things I found that I did know and I DO know.  I know that He is true, I know that He is God and I know that I am His. I still believe His ways are right and best and for my good, even when it doesn't make sense.  And although I may not always follow or understand, I DO know that He loves me and HE IS totally, truly and completely good.  And there will be moments in our lives when that’s the only star left in the sky to navigate from. But I believe that’s enough and in time it will lead us home.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
 Let me walk upon the waters 
 Wherever You would call me 
 Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
 And my faith will be made stronger 
 In the presence of my Savior"
Hillsongs

The Big Deal

 ^{1 Cor. 13:2 "}And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and have all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

Spiritual gifts, doctrine and faith, although necessary and valuable, are deemed meaningless if they are devoid of love. Is it possible to know the Word, be theologically correct but still be terribly wrong because of a lack of love? I think this scripture pretty much answers that question. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
 I wrote this status on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that seemed to really strike a chord with a lot of people.

I really hate religion but I love Jesus. If the Church has hurt you please don't equate that with Jesus. This may surprise you but Jesus isn't religious. As a matter of fact it was the religious that were the most offended by Him. Jesus did proclaim certain principles and truths that the religious also proclaim. But religion tells you that to connect with the Person you have to do the principles. Where Jesus says to come to Him as you are and He will teach you. Jesus values you. Religion doesn't. Religion says "Do better!" And Jesus says "Believe in Me". Religion rejects you if you don't agree with its theology, it's emphasis on a particular truth. Just look at how the church is divided into so many different denominations. But unlike religion, Jesus doesn't reject or forsake. He says 'I AM the Truth'. The law came through Moses. Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. Truth isn't a doctrine. Truth is a Person. That Person is love. And He wants us more than we want Him. He is so beautiful.

There’s a quote I’ve heard for some time that says “People don’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care”. To me, that says a mouthful. In the past, in my pursuit for uncompromising truth I was often guilty of taking a Biblical stand, full of my sense of ‘rightness’ but without a smidge of love or compassion in my heart toward those who believed differently.  Now don’t get me wrong, pursuing truth is wisdom and digging into the Word of God is exactly what we need to do. I’m definitely not advocating a soft Gospel or a departure from the Word. But what I am now seeing is this: If gaining Biblical knowledge doesn’t eventually lead us to greater love but rather causes us to separate ourselves from those who believe differently, then we are missing the greater purpose of truth.

“But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.” I Cor 8:1b
Knowledge itself isn’t bad. We are commanded to walk in truth. But we know our knowledge has become puffed up when someone’s beliefs become more important to us than the person themselves. Ouch.

Jesus definitely preached righteousness but if you look into it, the majority of who He was preaching to was the church people. They are the ones who got Him riled up. But He ate with prostitutes and thieves. As far as we know He didn’t point out their sin to them when He was with them. He could’ve I suppose but it’s not recorded. I imagine there probably were some lively conversations around those tables that we aren't privy to. But what we do know is this: whatever took place there, changed them.

One example of this is when Jesus up and invited Himself over to the notorious crook Zacchaeus’ house for dinner. By the time the meal was over old Zack was a changed man, giving half his wealth to the poor and paying back those he’d stolen from four times over. Notice that Jesus didn’t first ask Z if he was keeping the law or what his stand was on certain issues before dining with him. He didn’t take him aside and tell him all he was doing wrong (and there was plenty He could have pointed out) before entering his home. But rather, the holy King, the Uncreated Creator of the universe just hung out with this flawed man on his own turf and it was that uncondemning love that changed his heart that day.

The words Jesus spoke to the woman caught in the act of adultery are also telling-

“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Notice the order of His words. He didn’t say-“Go and sin no more and THEN I won’t condemn you.” No, His unconditional love came first. Her encounter with His forgiveness, despite her sin, made the second part of that sentence possible for her. ‘Go and sin no more’.  It’s His grace that empowers us to say no to sin. It's His kindness that leads to repentance. No she didn’t deserve it and neither do we. But He gives it to us anyway. It doesn’t make sense. But He is good like that. And He wants us to likewise have grace for people. It doesn’t mean ignoring sin. He wasn’t ignorant of Zacchaeus’ or the adulterous woman’s sin. He was well aware of it.  But their sin didn’t keep Him away.

Our country is awash with immorality. I get that. The church is called to be salt and light. I get that too. I understand the frustration that in a culture where ‘anything goes’, Christians aren’t allowed the same freedoms of expression. But what do we expect? The Bible was pretty clear that it was going to get worse for us as the time draws near for Christ’s return. That’s no big shocker. Do we keep speaking truth, studying and declaring the Word and living morally regardless? Yes we do. But in our stand for truth we must ask ourselves, how much of our ‘stand’ is based on love? Because I can promise you, God doesn’t see issues. God sees people. It's the whole point and a pretty big deal. And I think a big part of the church is missing that point.  I’ve missed it too often myself with my moral outrage, my love of doctrine more than people and some of my past indignant posts on this same blog. But guess what? God doesn’t need me to defend Him. He’s not up there with His feelings hurt hoping His children will stand up for Him. He’s GOD for heaven’s sake. But what He does want from me is love.
   
If I can fathom all mysteries and knowledge... but have not love...I am nothing." 

Jesus said that the world will know we belong to Him by our love and sadly the Church has often gotten a bad rap because too many in the church in their righteous stands have rejected former friends and family members because of their differing doctrinal, personal and political views. That's just not the heart of Christ. Here's a good quote:  "A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends. For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place." 
Author: unknown

Sadly, we Christians are notorious for shooting our wounded. I recently read an article that a former well-known minister who embarrassingly fell into sin wrote. He told about his wanting to commit suicide at the time of his very public fall. He said that it wasn’t his sin that made him want to die, but rather the words spoken to him by his fellow ‘brothers’ in Christ. This breaks my heart.

I'm really not trying to bash the church here in this post. There are so many ministries out there that ARE reaching scores of people through sacrificial love. I think of Heidi Baker's ministry whose main message is love, love love. Scores of children are being rescued and people healed and saved all from a message of love. I've never even heard what Heidi's doctrinal views are on things but I have heard about her love and the people who have been changed by it. Heidi has said, ‎”Yes, God wants you to do signs and wonders. But the love of God manifested through you is what people really need. So you first must see His face. You must become so close to His very heartbeat that you can feel what others feel...It’s not complicated. Just love the one in front of you.” I am so thankful that there are many ministries in the Body of Christ like hers who get it.

Truth is very important and it does need to be accurately taught. But if we can’t speak the truth IN LOVE, we really just need to keep our mouths shut. Been there. Done that. I thank God for the Blood of Jesus and that His mercies are new every morning. Most people recognize where they've screwed up so when truth is delivered without love it leaves them feeling rejected, wounded, shamed and confused. I recently heard a hurting Christian who was judged and then abandoned by other Christians say that they felt more loved by their unsaved friends than by the Church. I've heard of Christians encouraged by their leaders to stay away from other Christians whose doctrinal views were different. Really? How is that going to help anyone? Isn't helping them the point? That is so sad. I'm not saying that every Christian is this way but I'm seeing way too much of it in the western church. I've seen way too much of it in my own life.

People who are in sin are hurting. They aren't lepers that we must separate ourselves from as if we might 'catch' something from them. They don't give a hoot about our doctrine. They need to see Jesus. And Jesus is Love. The world doesn't need to see the Church bashing other ministries who believe differently. That's not going to draw anyone to Christ. Only the Lord knows another's heart. Even if they are off on this or that point, I can pretty much bet that we're off on some points too. People need to see Jesus. And Jesus is Love.
   
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

 I want to end with this. Paul, after concluding his teaching on the importance of the various powerful spiritual gifts for the Church in 1 Cor 12 made this profound transition into his teaching on love- “But now...Let me show you a more excellent way”. 

Love.
The more excellent way.
It’s a pretty big deal.

^{1 Corinthians 13:13
“}And now these three will remain forever: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these… is love.”

Who Do You Think You Are?!

“For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed…” Romans 8:19

Who do you think you are?!  God knows who you are. The enemy knows who you are. Creation even longs for you to know who you are. But do you know? Do I? And what would happen if we did? How would we act? What would our lives look like?

When we really boil down most of our struggles, problems and needs it usually comes down to the question of our identity and value. It's been the question that's been asked since the beginning of time. A sense of identity and value was lost in the Garden when Adam and Eve entertained the doubts posed by the serpent about God's goodness and they believed the lie that the Father's way was inferior and His motives were suspect. They acted on that lie and chose their own path apart from His way and were driven from the presence of the One who created them, who knew them and who defined them. Thus began the search for identity and worth apart from God. 

When Moses was commissioned by God at the burning bush, his first thought was to doubt his abilities and his worthiness for such a task. It’s almost as if Moses turned around to see if God was talking to someone behind him with a, “Who me? Are You sure You got the right guy?” He questioned God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" Moses practically begged the Lord to send someone else. He just couldn't seem to believe that God had picked the right guy. God conceded in letting Moses' brother Aaron speak for him but it was obviously not His first choice.  And when Moses finally approached Pharaoh, Pharaoh fanned the flame of Moses' insecurity by asking him, “Who do you think you are?” every time Moses approached with his request. Moses’ worth and identity were attacked and questioned by Korah and Dathan and even his own brother and sister. But at some point Moses must have come to grips with it. Because there is no leader (other than Jesus of course) in Biblical history more respected than Moses. He had challenges and he had opposition but at some point in his regular conversations with God, Moses got His heart and he accepted God's calling and walked it out. And in the end, the world had no doubt about who Moses was and what God thought of him.

It’s what the enemy has always been afraid of us finding out. He is terrified of us knowing who God has declared us to be. He is terrified of us finding out our tremendous value to the Uncreated One and about the inheritance that’s ours NOW and the purpose and authority we carry in Christ. And he will pull out all the stops and plant thoughts or use people to speak his lies over us. Lies that we are failures, we are worthless, we’ve made too many mistakes, we are hopeless, we aren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough… you fill in the blank. He causes us to question our identity so that he can lead us away from God’s plans for us. He’s afraid of God’s plan. When Jesus was in the Garden, with each temptation the devil intoned “IF You are the Son of God”, “IF You are the Son of God.” It’s the button he always pushes. It’s the target he always aims for. It’s the question that’s always raised- Who are we? He doesn’t want us to know so he attempts to place doubt and confusion. If he tried it on Jesus, we can be sure that he’ll certainly try it on us.

I want to know who God says I am. I want to stand firm and not budge when my value is questioned or I’m told the opposite. I want my default to be God’s opinion above mans and to be so rooted and grounded in His truth that nothing or nobody can shake that sure knowing. This is a challenge living in a world populated by imperfect people who are often wrong and who say stupid things. And the enemy will sometimes use the most unlikely people to speak his lies over us. He doesn’t just use wicked deviants in back alleys because they’d be too easy to spot. But he has been known to use parents, pastors, bosses, authority figures, loved ones and friends as his mouthpiece. And if we’re honest we’ll admit that there have been times he’s even used us because let’s face it- we have ALL at some point been stupid and have voiced things to others that aren’t consistent with God’s truth or His heart for them. 

Who do you think you are?

Bill Johnson, pastor of Bethel Church in Redding California says it like this “I cannot afford to have a thought in my head about me that’s not in His.”
What is in His head about us? How do we find out? There are enough voices around us eager to express their opinions but I encourage you to really know for yourself and not just because someone told you so. You are valuable and precious to Him. But don't take my word for it either. There comes a time in our lives as Christians that we need to find out for ourselves. Ask God and read the word for yourself. God does give us teachers and pastors to guide us and this is good but their instruction was never meant to replace our own personal journey of discovery. Shepherds help by leading the sheep safely to the good grass but they don’t then chew it up, spit it out and spoon feed it to them. The sheep feed themselves. If you have the Holy Spirit dwelling in you, you are fully capable of hearing from God. You may not be an ordained minister but you did not receive a smaller portion of the Holy Spirit when you believed. You got the full package!

Years ago, we were faced with a decision that affected our family. We fasted and prayed, got Godly counsel and after a while Keith and I both were certain about the direction God was leading us in and we proceeded in that direction. However, our pastor at that time and his wife met with us and basically told us that they knew what God’s will was for us in this matter and that we were wrong. Now understand, this wasn’t the type decision where we were wondering if we should engage in a life of sin or not. Rather, our decision involved personal choices like- Do we take this job or go to school? Do we move to this state or to that one? Since we had been so rigorously taught about the importance of respecting authority and to never ‘touch God’s anointed’, that after their conversation with us, we were honestly confused for a season. But with the exception of what they said to us, every single thing pointed to the fact that we had made the right decision and time proved it to be so. But during my period of confusion I shared the situation with an older saint who had walked many years with the Lord and she confidently said to me, “Kayla, you and Keith are perfectly capable of hearing from the Lord yourselves. And nobody’s going to hear clearer than you and your husband about what concerns your family.” Now that’s wisdom! Every one of God's children is capable of hearing from Him for themselves. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Kind of off the subject of identity but concerning this sort of thing that happened with our former pastor- years ago we heard a series of messages by Dean Sherman and something he said really stuck with me. It was  basically this-

Authority has its jurisdiction. On this earth there’s governmental authority, there’s church authority and there’s family authority.  A policeman has authority over you in regards to the law but in your own house, were a police officer to come in and tell you what to cook or how to run your home, he’d be out of his jurisdiction. Civil and pastoral authority doesn’t usurp a husband or a father’s authority unless he’s a danger to his family. Anyone who attempts to do that, has crossed the line of their assigned jurisdiction and has moved into control and manipulation.

All of that to say this: If you are a child of God, you are capable of hearing from Him yourself, period. Don’t doubt that. Authority is God-ordained for our protection and guidance, but never as a substitute for God’s voice.  Know God for yourself, know His word and know who you are in Him. Everyone misses it sometimes, but anyone who consistently encourages dependence on a person to hear God for you or your family, then that voice is not speaking truth and should be ignored. Don’t minimize the power of the Spirit of God living inside of you. We must know for ourselves, who we are.

I know I have only scratched the surface here but the importance of knowing what God has declared us to be is a pretty big deal. I think it’s ground zero for every single Christian and until we have a revelation of our value to God and our identity as His dearly loved children, then we are building on a foundation of sand and it will affect our entire perspective and alter the course of our lives. Just imagine how really knowing who you are (that you are a son/daughter) would change everything. A son is going to approach his Father differently than a servant. He knows he is a son and nothing or nobody can convince him otherwise and there is no hesitation or shame in approaching his Daddy. A beloved daughter knows her wise Father's plans are for her good and not for her harm and so she trusts Him and is eager to do what He says- not in order to earn His love, but because she is loved. Children who know they are treasured will likewise recognize the value of others and will view and treat them as they've been treated. A Ruler's son knows his Dad is stronger than his adversaries. He will face his enemy with confidence knowing His Daddy and all the power of heaven have his back. The King's daughter knows her Dad is rich and generous and that He delights in giving her good things. And she gives no thought to the absurdity that He would not meet her every need or provide for her. Knowing. Changes. Everything!

Determine to know who you are. Set your heart on a pilgrimage. We start by seeking Him, He answers by revealing Himself. Most of us could quote the scriptures about His love for us, about being seated in the heavenlies with Christ, about being the righteousness of God in Christ, us having the mind of Christ, being co-heirs with Christ etc. but are we living like we believe it? Has it permeated our entire life and become our reality? I’ve had some good teaching in my life and I’m thankful for it, but I’m not taking anyone’s word for it, I’m finding out for MYSELF. I’ve had some defining God-moments of revelation that have definitely affected my life, but I want the truth of my parentage to permanently alter my course. 

So who do you think you are? "As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is." (Proverbs 23:7)

God thinks some pretty great thoughts about us and has some amazing plans, much better than we could imagine. But we must start thinking like Him. If it takes an entire lifetime, I'm determined to know who I am. Even the creation waits eagerly for us to realize that we believers are sons and daughters of the living God-complete with all of the inheritance afforded, value attributed and authority given to a dearly loved son or daughter by a loving and good Father. When we really truly know for ourselves, the sky is not the limit. It's just the beginning.

For God's Eyes Only

My cat Moses being a literal writing block

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to be silent and a time to speak." Ecclesiastes 3.

I may not have written in a long time on this blog but despite my absence, I do write. I write A LOT. Every day. For hours. And I have every day for nearly THIRTY years! I’m not trying to infer that I’m somehow more awesome because of this fact because to be honest, it’s as much of my life as putting on my contacts every morning or bathing every night. I’d even say it’s as necessary to my life as breathing, but that might be a tad dramatic. I suppose if I lost both hands in a horrific chimp attack I wouldn’t die from not being able to write but I do think that not only would writing be the thing I’d miss the most but it would affect how I process my emotions. Well God willing I won’t lose my hands anytime soon, so every day, come hail or high water, I write. It is not just a hobby or a habit, it is a vital part of who I am and how I tick. It frankly keeps me emotionally sound.

It’s a very unusual morning that will not find me, pen and coffee in hand, hunkered down over my simple spiral notebook. I seriously should own stock in the Mead company. Heaven to me would be to own the perfect fluid writing pen with a cushioned grip and enough ink to survive an entire notebook. I go through at least one pen a week. Maybe it's the pen company I should own stock in. Anyhow, you’d think with all that writing I’d be more proficient and have plenty of profound words to share with the world. But to be honest, the daily words I pen are for mine and God’s eyes alone. I’ve often told Keith that were I to kick the bucket suddenly that he probably needs to burn my boxes of notebooks. I don’t exaggerate. I have BOXES of them.

I started journaling in my early twenties. I read a book by Catherine Marshall (the author who most impacted my life) about how she wrote prayer journals to the Lord for years and years. I decided to try it, just pouring my heart out to the Lord- the good, the bad, the ugly. It’s the bad and the ugly parts that make me want them destroyed in the event of my demise. Because I don’t hold back from talking to God. I figure He knows it all anyway, so why not just be brutally honest? It’s not like I can shock Him. So I pour out the things I’d not share with anyone- my frustrations, my joys, my worries and fears, my jealousies, my greatest longings, my failures, sometimes my fury, and often my praise. Through my talking to Him all these years, God has become my confidante and my friend. He’s a safe place to vent. I’m not going to influence Him or cause Him to stumble. He listens and hears and cares and then when I’m spent, He gently walks with me through my tangle of emotions and He leads me to see the whole picture, not just my narrow-minded, emotional view. When life happens, sometimes suddenly taking my breath away, I find myself running to my notebook to write it down. It helps my scattered mind to focus so I can get down to business with God. Although yes, it is a place to unleash my thoughts and feelings, my motive and desire in these writings is to seek truth, to seek God’s perspective. And if I truly want it, He does give it. I know not everyone needs to do this and I suppose I would have still grown up to be a responsible adult had I never journaled. But it’s a tool I stumbled upon years ago and I never would have imagined that thirty years later I’d still be writing every single day.

There are the rare days where I’ll not fill an entire page.  But more often than not the words spill unedited out of my pen, page after page after page. Then there are the dark days when I tear through epic amounts of paper and ink until I fight my way through to the light. It can get intense and ugly sometimes, but He is safe. He knows what I mean. And He always leads me home. Especially in the processing phase, His word and Spirit’s influence in the secret place are vital. When our hearts are in a fragile, malleable place, the careless opinions of others can confuse our path. In such times, I guess I am extra careful what I share and to keep my thoughts for God’s eyes only.

I was raised in a different era. It was a time when, for the most part, certain things just weren’t shared or talked about and often things that should have been discussed were shelved or swept under the rug and kept to oneself. But as with most things, when something swings to one extreme we can over-compensate by swinging to the opposite extreme.  Either way it remains out of balance. And today, conversely our kids are being raised in an uncensored culture where nothing is left to the imagination and too much is shared. Today’s social media and reality shows are shaping this generation in such a way that discretion is becoming a thing of the past.

I use social media a lot and I’m not saying it’s bad, in and of itself. It can be a very useful and enjoyable tool. But the easy access to being heard by an opinionated audience can prove to be too big a temptation for some. Any random thought that occurs to us can be instantly shared seconds after it arrives in our brain.  We can get feedback immediately and be influenced and persuaded and heading down a particular path before we’ve fully processed or filtered the thought. Before social media, when we got aggravated, we would just mutter to ourselves, complain to our spouse and pray until we got breakthrough. By the time we actually saw someone, we would have had time to sort it through and to come to our senses before we had the opportunity to speak about it. But not so anymore. Today's unfiltered, premature sharing is like serving a cake half-baked or delivering a baby before it’s due. Social media’s encouragement for individuals to expose their tender hearts and uncensored thoughts to the masses is tainting this generation's understanding of the need for discretion. And in the area of entertainment, particularly with reality tv, there is nothing sacred or kept private anymore. There are some harmless, fun reality shows that I love to watch.  But this generation's constant exposure to the shameless voyeurism into the secret lives of other people for sheer entertainment is corrupting their understanding of the need for dignity.

I've succumbed all too often to the culture of over-exposure and have shared things I wasn't ready to or I shouldn't have. We all have done it. And there IS a time to speak. There's a time to testify and to proclaim. But especially when our hearts are in that fragile in-between place, before it's found it's way home, there needs to be a journey into the secret place where Gods perspective and heart are sought. It's wisdom to process our thoughts through His word and Spirit before we unveil them raw to the world. But even in times of strength, God's secret place is necessary, safe and beautiful.

"Here it's You and me alone God; You and me alone
You've hedged me in. With skin, all around me
I'm a garden enclosed; A locked garden
Life takes place. Behind the face". ~ Misty Edwards

Some things are private and just not appropriate to be shared. Some things are not safe to be shared except with certain trustworthy people. Some things are just not ready to be shared until they've had time to be sifted through the Truth. And some things are just for God’s eyes only.

Like my notebooks.

"O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him for God is our refuge." 
Psalm 62:8

A Love Story

Our first official date

I actually heard Keith's voice before I ever saw him. I was nine years old and my family had just moved to Ruston, Louisiana and we were visiting area churches. That particular Sunday landed us at Emmanuel Baptist Church on Farmerville Highway. I had already started fourth grade at Hillcrest Elementary and I didn’t see any of my new friends there so I was suitably unimpressed. But during a rousing rendition of 'How Great Thou Art' a melodic, distinctly masculine voice from the pew behind me reached my ears. I nonchalantly turned my head and in my peripherals I beheld the most beautiful sight my nine year old eyes had ever seen. He was tall, he was tan with dark tousled hair, and he was extremely handsome. And I was immediately and soundly smitten. But he was a sophisticated THIRTEEN year old in the eighth grade, much too old to take notice of a bespectacled, skinny, brace face in grade school. 

Well my parents did eventually join Emmanuel and I didn’t protest a bit. Our parents even became close friends much to my delight. And better yet, my cousin became his best friend which put him at our house on a regular basis. When my cousin allowed it, they let me tag along after Sunday night church for pizza. Thankfully Keith wasn't unkind. He included me. He teased me. He gave me a nickname- Bug. That’s all he ever called me. I absolutely loved it. I wrote his name on the back of my school notebooks and then drew pictures over them. But I knew what was underneath. And I never quit hoping. Every bit of attention paid, every perceived flirtation, all my tender young hopes of romance were wistfully penned in my diary. My dream of one day marrying Keith Johnson never wavered. 

Well, the years passed and he joined the Navy when he was nineteen. Before he left, he hugged me and called me my name, not Bug. I wondered if he was finally seeing me as a woman (after all I WAS sixteen years old now). But life took us in opposite directions. I had high school to complete and the Navy took him far away so what might have begun at that time was delayed. He got into relationships. I got into relationships. He was stationed in Florida and then South Carolina and I was stuck in Louisiana. But one Christmas he came home on leave and I finally caught his eye. And although I had a boyfriend, we started writing each other letters. He called me one day when I wasn’t home and although I wanted to, because I was in a relationship, I never called him back. Then on the very day I broke up with my boyfriend, I finally returned his call. And we talked. And we talked. And we talked some more.  We talked so often and so long that Keith eventually had to sell his truck to pay his phone bill. My dad knew Keith and his family and he knew he was a catch. At that point in my troubled young life I'd made enough wrong choices that my dad was nervous I might miss this golden opportunity (He needn't have worried). He viewed paying our enormous phone bill as an investment in my future and he did it without TOO much grumbling ;). For four months we talked every day for hours on end. I was a senior in high school and many a night I reluctantly hung up the phone an hour before my alarm was set to go off. Keith often showed up to work red eyed after talking to me all night long. Then oh happy day- he finally came home on leave. By our second date, we were engaged. He flew back home once more before our wedding in the spring to attend my senior prom with me.

I graduated high school in May and a month later on June 25, we married.  

June 25, 1983And here thirty years later, I have no regrets.

I can truthfully say that I have spent the last three decades with the man of my dreams and my best friend and it has far exceeded my girlhood expectations.

Stationed in Scotland

We’ve been blessed to travel the world with the Navy, to have four beautiful children and now a grandson.

We've lived in South Carolina, Florida, Hawaii (twice), Connecticut (twice), Scotland, Louisiana and now Missouri. We've moved more times than I can count. 


Hawaii

But maybe the most beautiful thing has been discovering and journeying together in our pursuit of God. We’ve grown up together. We’ve gone from foolish and worldly to curious and hungry, to ultimately determined that ‘as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord’. We’ve laughed a lot, dreamed a lot, loved a lot and have prayed a lot. Now don’t get me wrong. We’ve made our share of mistakes. We’ve had disappointments and failures. We’ve suffered loss and rejection. We’ve walked through a lot together these many years. But I can stand here thirty years later and say that we are profoundly blessed and I wouldn’t change a thing.

There's not another person i would rather do life with than Keith Johnson. There's not another person on earth who understands me and sees me as I am yet accepts me and loves me and honors me. And there's no other who I respect like I do him, nobody who can make me laugh like he can. He's a man of great wisdom. There's a high level anointing on his life to preach and prophesy. The authority he carries bring a sense of peace wherever he goes and young people are drawn to the shelter of his daddy's heart. He has selflessly provided our family with a protective covering and a loving foundation. 
Our relationship has matured and evolved over the years. It's amazing what God has done. There's so much more to our love story that is locked away in the secret places of our hearts but our beautiful story is still being written and I look forward to many more decades of love, laughter and adventure together.

Our beautiful grandbaby Gabriel Michael Ortego

So today on the anniversary of our marriage, I want to honor this man who caught my eye when I was nine years old. I've loved you since I was in fourth grade, Keith Johnson. We've come a long way! I am blessed among women. Happy Anniversary honey. You still are my sunshine!

From two kids who married in 1983 has come this beautiful anointed family. God is indeed good!

 

The Impact of One

This past week our eldest daughter and first grand baby traveled to Louisiana
 and he got to meet his great, great aunt Bobbie! :)

Approximately twenty-seven years ago, Keith and I, newly married and backslidden as can be, landed in Hawaii to begin his three year tour of duty with the Navy. For this immature girl who had hardly ever been out of the South, it was a dream come true. I had always wanted to travel and Hawaii was definitely on my bucket list.

So here we were, on the other side of the world from home. But as God would have it, He had a divine connection planned for us. As it turned out, Keith’s uncle, Andrew Herbert Johnson (Uncle Herb to us), who was a Navy chaplain, Commander and former fighter pilot and his wife, Aunt Bobbie, were also stationed there the exact same time as we were. And this ‘coincidence’ changed the course of our lives forever.

Keith and I had been raised in church and when we were young we had both made a ‘profession of faith’. But as adults, we weren’t living it. Actually most of the Christians we had known hadn’t seemed to be very happy and there wasn’t a whole lot of ‘Life’ in their Christianity to attract us. So we had sort of unconsciously resolved to have as much fun as we could while we were young and we figured that we’d settle down and act responsibly when we were older.

Then we met Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb. There was something different about them. At the time, I was 21 years old and Aunt Bobbie was 50-something yet I looked for every opportunity to be around her. I know I must have gotten on her nerves sometimes tagging along but if I did she never once showed it. She just loved me, short skirts and all. Yes she just accepted me. She spent time with me. She invited me along shopping with her. She welcomed us into her home every Sunday and any time in between. She cooked delicious meals for us. (Her rolls themselves were reason enough to keep coming back!) But she spent hours of time with me. Just letting me hang out with her. She and Uncle Herb were there for us. They made us feel like we mattered.

It wasn’t so much of what she said, yes she would answer my many questions, but it was mostly just what she lived. She and Uncle Herb just lived love. They reached out to some of the most unlovable people on the base and invited them into their home. I would sometimes feel jealous at not having them all to myself. But it just flowed out of them. And when Aunt Bobbie or Uncle Herb prayed, we felt something we’d never felt before. We couldn’t quite put our finger on it at the time, but for some reason we were drawn to them. We just felt Good when we were with them. A hunger began growing in my heart. I had seen LIFE, and I wanted it too. They weren’t just Christians in word, they had someONE living in them. I knew this because I felt Him every time I was with them. And I wanted what they had. For the first time in my life I realized, there was more. Christianity as I’d experienced it wasn’t all there was. Jesus was really real. He was current. He wasn’t boring. He was fun. But nobody TOLD me this, I just KNEW it, because I knew Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb.

Now Aunt Bobbie wasn’t perfect. But she was real. And what a sense of humor she had! She would sometimes get tickled in church and couldn’t stop giggling. This was my kind of lady! She had fun and joy just bubbled out of her. Almost more than anything, this intrigued me. I guess I had thought Christians were dour, boring old sourpusses. But Aunt Bobbie was a hoot! That, I could relate to!

She and Uncle Herb invested in me and Keith. They didn’t preach at us, they just loved us and lived an authentic life, full of LIFE in front of us. We didn’t change right away. A lot of what was sown into our lives at that time didn't  bear fruit for years. Actually it was so gradual that I don’t know if they were even aware of the impact they were making then. But something was definitely taking root in us. And it literally changed the course of our lives.

Now years later, we have raised four children and our family has grown to include a son-in-law and a new grandbaby. I am very proud of my family. I look at my husband and children and how they love and serve the Lord and I am so grateful. Actually that doesn’t even come close to expressing how I feel. I am BEYOND grateful if there is such a thing. We’ve had people say how much they admire our family and they ask us what we’ve done. And I find that astounding. I really do. I’m not bragging, it’s just one of those things that happens repeatedly and I’m always left, like Mary, amazed and pondering these things in my heart. Because I honestly didn’t have a clue what I was doing 24 years ago when I became a mom. And 24 years later its still a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants operation. I guess all I had was an intense desire- stronger than anything I’d ever felt before holding my firstborn in my arms- to do this thing right. And a revelation that I didn’t have what it took to do it. But I did have a God who did. There are no formulas and I don’t understand it, but God has blessed our family.

But one thing I do know- the blessing on our family today can be traced back approximately 27 years ago to a little speck of an island in the vast Pacific Ocean. The fact that my children are serving God today and impacting the Kingdom can be traced back to the influence of one simple couple, who saw value in two disillusioned, immature twenty-somethings and who chose to sow time, love and life into us. I will be forever grateful to them for the harvest we now enjoy. As I look into the face of my precious grandson, knowing how his parents will raise him in the presence of the Lord, I just want to weep with gratitude and to somehow repay them for what they gave us. But I know one day, that their reward will be handed to them by the Lord Himself and it will be eternal.

So never under-estimate the value of investing into one person's life. You may not see the fruit immediately. But it could have eternal and generational impact. Our family is proof of that. My children can thank Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Herb (and God of course ;) that they know Jesus. One life impacting generations and the Kingdom of God.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!