June 6, 2008

Bearing The Bearable...

Ever felt like you've been a target of the 'accuser of the brethren'? I have felt like I've had a big red target on my back today and the accuser has had me in his rifle's scope.

Usually if there's a question of blame, even if I was a million miles away from the incident, I will feel a twinge of guilt. If a policeman pulls up behind me in traffic, even if I'm below the speed limit, I start to get nervous and to feel guilty. So the enemy knows how to get me. As a child, I was very mischievous and mouthy and curious... I got into trouble a lot. I was often 'to blame'. But also, almost as often, I was innocent, but still blamed. Unfortunately, it became a pattern in my life to be the scapegoat. As an adult I've found that I still tend to carry that with me. I am hyper-sensitive to blame. Even in normal relational arguments that are bound to come, if blame is ever leveled at me (even if deserved), I usually cannot handle it. But God has been healing me of this and working in my heart... I'm not there yet but I am seeing improvement.

Today I was blamed for something that I was innocent of. Just to be able to say those words- "I was innocent" is a breakthrough for me. Where some people can never be wrong, (even when they are obviously so), I'm just the opposite. I almost jump up and volunteer to take the blame! But not today! God helped me. A relative got offended with me. She didn't "believe the best" of me as 1 Corinthians 13 says love does. This has been an unfortunate mainstay in my life. Not having people believe the best about me is a familiar event. I seem to invite it somehow. Not intentionally. I believe when there's a stronghold, there must be some sort of a spiritual flag we wave that invites further wounds and proofs of the lies built within. For example- a person who struggles with rejection seems to invite it and find themselves in situations of rejection... I feel that way with the accuser of the brethren. He knows my name. He has my address. He is my frequent unwanted guest. But today when he came knocking, he got a door slammed in his face. Today I did not take the blame. Today, my conscience was clear as I calmly explained the situation to my accuser (we battle not against flesh and blood and I know who was behind my relative's accusations). My explanation was rejected. She was not seeking understanding. She was seeking to blame and accuse because of her own wounded heart. Ever notice how wounded people will often project an old emotion on a new unrelated situation and form a false conclusion?  But today she was seeking to lay blame on me. But I did not bite the bait. Not today. Thankfully I was coming out of my quiet time in the presence of God when she called. He kept me focused and my words gracious yet uncompromising. I am thankful. I was not manipulated. Praise God.

Sometimes you don't know that God has done something in your life until you face a situation and you surprise yourself. I know that this battle isn't over. The battle isn't with a person, it is with the enemy of my soul. I love my relative and God gave me compassion. This one is very important to me. It grieves me to be misunderstood by her, but I also know that sometimes life isn't fair and we are blamed unjustly. Sometimes, you can have pure intentions and a clean heart and still be blamed. And sometimes there's not one thing you can do about it.

But here is where I'm learning to trust: To present my heart to God and to let Him take care of me and the situation. To not take matters in my own hands. To not try to 'fix' something that I did not cause. To not try to take the blame in order to get man's approval. To not let my past shame make me susceptible to manipulation and blame.

For the first time in my life I can honestly say- I am being blamed for something, yet my conscience is clear. I pray for the relative to have illumination and to let God deal with her heart. I love her dearly, but I will not take on what is not mine to carry. I have done that my entire life. God is teaching me to give it to Him.

One of my favorite verses:
Matt. 11:28 "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

The cloak of shame/blame is heavy. It's like a lead vest put on us by the accuser of our souls. But thank God, we are not meant to wear it. We take on so much that's not ours to take on, I'm seeing that in so many areas of my life and relationships. We do have our own responsibility, but how much or our burnout and stress is caused by taking on burdens not meant for us to bear? Or for still carrying shame that's already under the blood? There's a grace to bear what IS ours to bear. Jesus promises that His burden is not unbearable. Accusation, shame, blame, sin- these are unbearable.

Let's ask God to show us what we are meant to bear and let us NOT bear what isn't meant for us. For people pleasers like me it may mean saying, "no" or learning to confront, or not bearing the blame of something that isn't mine to bear. Our yoke is a custom fit. Yours will be different from mine, but whatever it is, it will be bearable, and we'll share the burden with the One who loves us more tenderly than the most loving human we know. He really can be trusted folks. "Oh taste and see that the Lord IS good!"

God bless. Kayla


Anonymous said...

I heard a beautiful song for the first time on the IHOP prayer room tonight. The song was about Jesus being the rose and the lily, but at the end the song reversed angles. The song then spoke to Jesus:

"I am the rose and the joy for which You died.

And this I know, I move You with delight.

And when my heart condemns on every side,

I take refuge in the truth I am a rose to You."

There's good reason the accuser knows your name... and that's a good thing (Acts 19:15).

Be blessed and encouraged.


Anonymous said...

You ARE to blame! You are to blame when you are leading praise and worship and I get blessed so very much because of your God-given talent and passion for Him. You are to blame for helping me enter into His presence through the ministry of music. You are to blame for blessing our congregation with passionate praise and worship songs written by your hands and heart. You are to blame for making us smile to see you and your gifted son on the platform lifting up God's holy name. You are to blame for producing (along with Keith) beautiful and "special" children. You are to blame for inspiring others to share their giftings with the Body through song and musical instruments. Yep, you are to blame. Now, how does that make you feel, sister?
Love and gratitude,
your brother, Russell

worshiping warriors said...

Thanks Russell and Will. Both your comments make me feel very blessed! :) Thank you both for your encouragment to me from the heart of God! It's hitting the mark!

Anonymous said...

Hey Kayla,
I just wanted to say your blog really blesses me and this post particularly I am getting alot from. I've been dealing with similar issues lately, and your insight as well as both Will's and Russell's comments really help. Thank you and God bless. Keep blogging.

P.S. I also want to encourage you and thank you for your leading our worship to God; how blessed we are to have you and Max! Max has been blessing my heart in worship so much lately, and I appreciate you and Keith and everyone so much, for all that your family has done for our church!
-Jordan Courtney

worshiping warriors said...

Wow Jordan. Your kind comments encourages me so much. I really appreciate your taking the time to bless me so. I have to tell you that your uninhibited worship to our God also encourages us as worship leaders that we're succeeding in fulfilling our purpose. You have a beautiful heart Jordan. Keep pressing into Him. I see Him all over you... Keep getting your approval and significance from His love. "Be rooted and grounded" in it. Its a sure foundation to build your life on. Bless you!!!!

Anonymous said...

your response is such a blessing and encouragement to me! Thank you for your kind words. I very much enjoy being a worshiper alongside of all of you. I believe we are all the worship team because God has called us all there, His church, to worship Him! Praise God. Max also encouraged me recently, telling me I was a true worshiper. I really appreciate these kind words, though I only do what just comes naturally to me, as I know you all are doing the same. We can't help but worship God! Praise God!

Thank you for the word about approval and significance in His love. That is spot on. That is exactly what the LORD has done and is doing in my life! Setting His approval on me, so that I look for it nowhere else but in Him.

Thanks again and be blessed. God is really doing a work in this earth, in our country and round about everywhere. I just got back from the Florida Outpouring in Lakeland and it was...I can't really even explain it. Life changing, history changing, world changing. Expect with me and cry out with me for an outpouring and revival right here in our state and city.


Anonymous said...

I love you,Sis...
Mom and I are so proud of how you handled the "blame" situation with wisdom and love. God,the Father is proud of His little girl,too!